January 12

Went to see the doctor this morning.  Weighed myself.  190 pounds.  I’m really getting fat.  This is getting serious.  Must give up desserts.  I think also if I didn’t have to go to breakfast this wouldn’t have gone this far.  I never eat breakfast on the outside and I’ve never been this fat …

spoke to Anne today.  She told me she had 35 but Ian only took ten. Was supposed to come back for the rest.  Didn’t.  Drank all my money.  Fucking prick.  … [Janine] was in to discuss the separation agreement.  We don’t see eye to eye, it seems.  She wants sole custody, full control and supervised visits for the kids.  I don’t believe the argument should be that restrictive for I have not and never would abuse the kids.  I think there’s a lot of changes to make to the document before I’ll sign my name to it.

I got strip searched by Chris, the newfie suck-up fag.  That pissed me off.  I always get pissed off about getting strip searched.  Fucking pricks … I asked [Janine] to bring the kids in next time.  She tentatively agreed.  I just don’t want or need the stress of dealing with my parents anymore.  I’ve had enough of being told what to do.  I don’t even want to spend a weekend there when I get out.

January 13

I just watched a show about Thin Lizzy.  I’ve been looking forward to that all week. I was worried that the other guys would whine but they were ok with it.  I love Thin Lizzy, they were good.

… I worked out something with [Janine] to get my fifty bucks back – buy some goodies with it.  I’ll be glad to get that off my mind. …

The doctor told me yesterday that he’d give me a new sleeping pill but what I got tonight was Amytriptamine.  I don’t think they’re any good.  Maybe I should just have just left things as they were.  Guess I’ll find out tonight …

Anyway, I’m down to 8 weeks today. Still waiting to make the front page of the remission sheet though.  I’m thinking about calling Motor Vehicles tomorrow to see if they still want me to take the program if I can’t get a t.a.  its going to fuck things up.  I need my license back as soon as I get out of here.  I can’t handle getting stuck out in Souris with no car.

January 14

Its Friday, the beginning of my eighth last weekend … had a weird sleep last night.  The doctor gave me a new pill, amytriptaline, and it felt like I was in a trance all night, neither awake nor asleep.  I’m getting off that shit as soon as I can – it’s bug juice …

I met with Sandy.  We still haven’t started the IQ test.  He says he’s been busy so we just talked for a while.  He said my mother called up and asked if I was brain damaged.  I’m really getting fed up with her interference.  I don’t want them trying to run my life and I’m not going to put up with it.  I’m sure now that I could never live at their house again, but things are so complicated because the kids are in Souris.

… Sandy told me that my name was mentioned at the staff meeting this morning, about T.A.’s but not much was said.  I’m tempted to say ‘fuck it’ if they insist on moving me to medium first.  But I’m not sure what to do.  I called Audrey M. at Motor Vehicles and she says that the accident in Montague is still on my driving record and, as of now, they still want me to take the course.  But she said we could meet and discuss it if I’m unable to take the program in February.  There’s always hope, I guess. I just hope this next eight weeks passes quickly and I can put all this behind me.

January 15

Another day gone, another day closer to getting out … Mark didn’t get his visit today.  He always leaves it till the last minute and, consequently, it always gets delayed. … anyway, I’m having second thoughts about doing any opiates  ‘cause I’ll be getting a piss test soon if they’re considering me for that program.  I’d hate to fuck that up again. …

I figure now that I shouldn’t have to go to medium to get a t.a. because the t.a. will be from Summerside jail, so it shouldn’t matter what unit I’m in here, at least that’s the way I see it ….

January 16

Glad this weekend is over.  It kinda dragged on … I guess Mark’s friend won’t do us a favor so there’ll be nothing happening this week.  The bright side of that is that I’m ok for a piss test. I’ll have to look into getting the t.a. this week. …

I asked the nurse to take me off the amytriptaline.  It was giving me weird dreams.  I think its bug juice.  She gave me an extra red tonight but I don’t know if I’ll sleep because I slept a lot today.  That’s the best way I know of for passing the time – get as much sleep in as you can.

January 17

Some bad but not suprising news today.  [Counselor] won’t give me a t.a. for treatment.  I expected this but the way she handled it pissed me off.  She didn’t tell me, she just told one of the guards to tell me.  So I put in a request to see [Supervisor] and then [Counselor] came down and she and I argued.  I hate the bitch.  I told her to get some therapy.  Fuck, I hate her.  But what am I to do? …

I was at the library to study my French but the new book is hard.  They talk too fast.  Tomorrow a girl from UPEI is coming in to help me.  I’m kinda looking forward to that.  I hope she’s good looking … I found a book of crossword puzzles in the library and brought it back to the unit with me …

I called Ian and he says things are going well.  Not sure about the visit tomorrow but I hope everything works out.

… I asked the nurse to put me back on the amytriptaline until the doctor comes in.  last night I was awake till five o’clock.  I’ll put up with the bad dreams rather than lay awake all night …

Now that I know I won’t get a t.a. I guess I don’t have to worry about going to medium.  I’ll finish my time here.  Hopefully when I get out, I can talk Motor Vehicles out of making me take the rehab course.  If not, I don’t know what I’ll do.  I can’t be in Souris with no car.  I’ll just have to hope that things work themselves out somehow.

January 18

Couldn’t sleep again last night.  I hope the doctor can give me something that works when I see him tomorrow …

The French girl was in to help me out today.  She’s not at all attractive but she knows her French.  I realize that I have a long way to go to speak the language.  I can decipher written French but it’s hard for me to carry on even a simple conversation …

The Nurses Association called here today and she spoke to all the other guys in the unit who I listed as witnesses.  They all backed me up, as they should. I’m looking forward to this hearing.  I’ll be so happy if she loses her job …

Jason was planning to go to Summerside next week but they listened in on one of his phone calls and heard his friend say, “that’s taken care of”, so he’s getting fucked around.  It doesn’t take much in this place.

Lorrie and Neil go on and on about their cases all the time.  I’m getting tired of listening to them.  They both think they’re getting off but I’m not so sure.  From listening to them though, I see that I could have beaten my charges with a better lawyer.  Oh well, not much I can do about that now.

Tomorrow, I’m down to 50 days so my time here’s getting short.  Yabba-dabba-doo.

January 19

I couldn’t sleep last night so I saw the doctor this morning.  He’s putting me on the immovane which, I gather, is quite strong.  But I hope its not bug juice.  I just need something for insomnia. …

We’ve got a new casework supervisor (another female, from the kiddie jail).  She was here this morning so I yelled out the hatch, “does this mean [Counselor] is getting fired?”  Later [Counselor] came around and stuck her head in the door, and said “not only am I not getting fired, I got promoted.  I’ll be training the new casework supervisor”.  She had a big smile on her face so I let her go without saying anything.  At least I shouldn’t have to deal with her.  I’ll continue my battle from the outside after I get out …

A new worry popped into my head today.  I’m going to ask welfare to get me a room after I’m out, but sometimes they tell people that they have to have treatment for addiction before they give out any money.  I don’t want to hear that.  No more bullshit please. …

I got a letter back from Human Rights, again they say they can’t get involved in jail policy.  I hope I get a response from my letter to the Supreme Court soon …

[nurse1] is being really nice to me lately.  She probably thinks she can win me over before the disciplinary hearing, she’s such a hollow bitch.  But now I hold a bit of power over her, ha ha … Tomorrow is visiting day.  I’m hoping my parents will not come in.  Just let me finish my time in peace.  Only seven weeks to go …

January 20

I had a pleasant day.  Got some sleep last night.  The meals were all ok today (bacon, hamburgers, Chinese).  I found out yesterday that I lost 2 pounds so I’m cutting back on deserts and skipping breakfasts …

Bubba inspected my room and said it was ok, ‘cept for the books.  I finished one last night, “Numbered Account” [by Christopher Reich], which was good, now I’m reading one about the mob. …

Bill Loo left us some newspapers so I read the post and then Burton Cummings came on so I stayed awake all afternoon (a bit unusual for me), but I took a good nap after summer till 9:01 …

Winston came back inn today on a breach of his undertaking so I don’t know if he’ll get back out or not.  I’m worried about getting paid cause he says he’s broke and he was talking about taking off out west.  It might be a good idea for him to run off out west and transfer the charges out there cause he’d  get a lot less time.  I’m going to try and give him the best advice I can and hope we can come to some understanding about the money owed, I really need that when I get out.  I don’t want him to leave me and then I’m stuck with a bad debt …

Jason said something funny today, he said he keeps looking at the dates on the milk cartons, “and can’t wait till they’re saying July”, ha ha.  We all have our own ways of counting the time.  For me, it’s 48 days or 144 more meals …

There’s a major snowstorm / blizzard on its way tomorrow.  So I might as well be in jail cause I’d hate to be out in that shit.  I don’t have to go outside and don’t want to.

January 21

Snowstorm today, actually a blizzard.  Not that it makes any difference around here … It’s been a pretty rotten day.  I couldn’t get any sleep last night ‘till 6:00.  At lunch they forgot to cook chicken for me.  I called Ian this afternoon and he hasn’t done anything for me.  Anne’s not answering her phone.  The fucking asshole guards, kids, we had working this evening wouldn’t take us to the library.

Yesterday, [Guard 3] and Bill left us three newspapers but the prick (Dwayne) who was working last night took them all home with him, that itself was enough to ruin my day.  I haven’t really talked to Winston yet but I get the impression that he’s made no plans to pay his bill, so I don’t know if I’ll have any money when I get out of here.

I’ve been trying to make some plans with Mark but I’m getting the impression that he’s full of shit.  I probably won’t even have enough money to get to Montreal when I get out and I can’t see anybody at Welfare till the day before I get out so I don’t know if I’ll have a place to live.  I’ll be so happy to get out of here and then get off this fucking island.

January 22

Just another shitty day, last night I couldn’t sleep ‘till 5:00 am.  I’m really getting fed up with this insomnia.  And I’m fed up with the doctor giving me these dud pills.  This has got to be straightened out next week … Mark got his visit today but Mark didn’t see Debra L. yet so nothing happened.

I was really pissed off about that.  I’m so fed up with this bullshit.  It seems so simple but they just keep fucking up.  I got Ian on the visiting list for tomorrow so I hope I can get this straightened out once and for all …

I was talking to Winston today and it looks like he hasn’t even thought about how he’s going to fix me up.  He’s hard to talk to but I’ve got to get the message through to him.  This has gotta be worked for when I get out and that’s not too far away … I took a couple of naps today (it’s hard not too if I can’t sleep at night), so I’ll probably be up all night again.

January 23

And another shitty day.  Ian didn’t show up.  I called him twice but he didn’t show.  I think he’s into the pills ‘cause his voice was all slurred.  Debra L. is supposed to go see him tonight but I imagine that something else will go wrong.  That’s just the way things have been going …

I talked with Winston at supper about getting some money.  He was resistant at first but I think he’s starting to come around.  I’ll be talking to him tomorrow at breakfast …

It’s getting really crowded in max.  They’ve got the left unit closed to paint it.  We had another guy in with us today but he got sent to the hole.  But I suppose there’ll be somebody else any day now …

My mother left a message to call home tomorrow but I think I’ll ignore it.  I don’t need any more bullshit from them …

I’ll have to tell the nurse I need to see the doctor again.  I just can’t sleep at night and its driving me crazy … I’m down to 45 days now.  The end is approaching fast.

January 24

Another fuckup today, although I saw it coming.  Ian and Debra L. didn’t get together.  I thought it was Ian’s fault but now I’m starting to think it was Debra L..  I think she might be scared to get involved.  I can only guess but she said she called Ian’s house last night and there was no answer.  I find that hard to believe because he lives with his parents and it was Sunday night.  I’m just not sure who to blame …

We got another guy in our unit, Willy, Whip’s friend.  He got 11 months.  All the guys went to court today.  Mark got 30 days concurrent, but he still has charges pending.  Lorrie’s having a trial on Friday for possession for the purpose [of trafficking] on Friday, and, in my eyes, it doesn’t look good for him.  He got a statement from the cops outlining the information given by four different rats!  They’re all going to be in court (the guys here, not the rats) in February for the conspiracy charges …

Winston got out today.  I  think I talked some sense into him and he will hopefully have something for me when I get out … I was kinda depressed this afternoon but Monday evening always seems to pass quickly cause we get out an hour for church.  It’s only an hour out but it makes a big difference.

January 25

Things are getting a little better.  I think we found an alternative way to get my package in.  I’m fairly sure now that Mark and Debra L. are full of shit.  I was wasting my time trying to get them to do something.  Oh well, live and learn …

Last night I was up till 4 am again.  I’m anxious to see the doctor again tomorrow.  He’s probably sick of seeing me but if he just gave me something good everything would be alright.  I’ve been giving my blue pills (immovane) to the other guys and they work great for them but they keep me up all night, funny how that is.  I’m feeling tired now though, I guess because I didn’t take a nap this evening … [Guard 3] told me he got a coupon in the mail for a free bag of dogfood.  I wrote a letter for him in exchange for this, I hope to get him to buy me a Montreal Gazette.

January 26

It wasn’t too bad of a day.  We had pancakes for breakfast.  That’s the only breakfast I like and the only one that I eat.  And I found out that I lost another 2 pounds when I weighed myself at the doctors office (186).  The doctor himself was a prick, wouldn’t give me anything else.  I never had much respect for that doctor and I have even less now …

All the guards were nagging at me to clean up my room this morning, especially [Guard 2].  [Guard 2] also woke me up to show me a memo from [Counselor] that states that we can’t wear bracelets.  I’m losing my respect for [Guard 2].  He seems fairly easy going but he likes the power …

The French girl was here to help me out today.  She says my understanding is pretty good but it seems to me I have a long way to go yet even just to carry on a conversation.  I’m not sure how I’m going to be able to keep it up on the outside. It would be nice if I could find a good looking female trainor.  Ooh-la-la …

Tomorrow, if all goes well, I get the long awaited package, oh please.  And as of tomorrow, I’ve only got 6 weeks left, 42 days, 126 meals.  26 meals away from breaking the 100 meal barrier.

January 27

Another fuck-up today.  The girl who was supposed to call Ian but she says there was no answer at Staples (???), it just never stops.  But there might be another chance next week although that ruins this weekend … I got to sleep fairly early last night – 1:30 and I only took a small nap this evening so I should get a good sleep tonight.  I guess they’re going to be bugging me tomorrow morning about cleaning up the place ([Guard 2]’s been nagging me all day – I’m losing my respect for him) because [Counselor] and [Supervisor] are supposed to come and take a look around – probably just looking for an excuse to put me in the hole, fuck them. …

No visits today and I didn’t want any so that was good.  And somebody gave me two V’s so that was ok, although not enough. …

Whips going to court tomorrow.  I hope it turns out ok, but really I think he’s fucked. …

I’d like to get my I.Q. test started with Sandy tomorrow.  I’m getting a little pissed about how it keeps getting put off.  I had hoped to have it finished by Christmas and it’s now almost February.

Soon I’m going to have to start looking for a place to stay when I get out. There’s only four more days in January and Feb. is my last full month.  I’ve gotta try and get my license back too.  Yeah, there’s much to do in my last six weeks.

January 28

Another weekend coming up. My 6th last one. I had hoped to sleep it all away on Serax but, alas, it was not to be … Sandy didn’t show up today as I had hoped.  I’m a-getting’ annoyed with this.

Lorrie went to court today and got some good news. It looks like the cops fucked up getting the warrants so everything could be dropped.  He goes back next Friday to find out for sure.  I was hoping he would bring back some valium, but it didn’t happen … As I see how his case unfolds, I’m realizing that I could have beaten my charges with a better lawyer, oh well, too late now …

I was pissed off this morning.  [Supervisor] and [Counselor] were planning an inspection and Bubba was being a pathetic suck up.  He took all the clothes out of my room.  He’s a fucking jellyfish … I was talking to Ian and he says he’ll have most of my cash together when I get out.

… Blue Rodeo is playing Charlottetown and tickets go on sale tomorrow.  What a time to be in jail.  I’m going to try and get in touch with George to see if he can get a couple for me.  I don’t wanna ask my mother.  If worse comes to worse, I hope they’re not sold out before I get out.  I really want to see them …

Mark’s been sick the last few days – the flu I guess.  Hope I don’t get it but I always seem to get everything that goes around … after tomorrow I’ll have only forty days left, dreams of freedom fill my head.

January 29

It wasn’t a bad day for a Saturday.  I took my 2 blue pills last night and I went to sleep easily.  I got a new book from Dave D., “The Testament – John Grisholm”.  Dave also brought in the Halifax paper, so I read that and killed an hour and a half and then I called Mike [me, his brother] and talked to him for a while.  I think I get along better with him than anyone else in the family.  He offered to send me Office 97 which I’m interested in learning.

…  I’m trying to get George’s number so I can get him to get me tickets for Blue Rodeo.  Lorrie could get it for me but he doesn’t like George so he won’t get it for me. What’s the big fucking deal.  I’m hoping George can help me out a bit when I get out of here.  I’m down to 40 days now, that’s not long … short time they call it.

January 30

Another weekend has passed.  It wasn’t too bad except that I could [not] get to sleep last night till 6:30 am.  But I stayed up most of the day today so I should be able to sleep tonight, if not I’ll have get my own pills in …

I had a newspaper to read and some crossword puzzles to do so the day went by all right.  I’ve only got five more weekends left … mum and dad came in to visit.  I wasn’t expecting them and I didn’t really want to see them.  I’m so sick of their analysis of my life.  I suppose I was kind of rude to them – yes and no answers: but they annoyed me so much in the past that I just can’t deal with them.  They asked if I wanted them to come in again and I said no.  I guess that was rude but I really don’t want any more visits.  They just aggravate me.  Just let me finish my time and get out and all will work out ok, that’s how I see it.

January 31

Feeling sick today, this is not pleasant.  I’m stuffed up and my cigarettes don’t taste good. … Bubba told me this morning that they want to move me to medium this week.  I’m not interested but the choice may not be up to me.  Why can’t they just leave me be and let me finish my time here?

… I met with Sandy today.  My personality test shows that I’m fairly normal.  We started the IQ test too and I did really well in the first 2 parts of it – in the top 5-10% of the population, he says.  I’m a smart cookie …

Jason went to medium today.  I wish we could keep the unit as it is now.  As of tomorrow, I’ve only got 37 days left and I’d like to finish them where I am now.

February 1

I’m glad that we’re finally into February, my last full month.  Too bad I’m still sick though.  I was really stuffed up and found it hard to sleep.  But I didn’t take a nap today so I should be able to sleep today …

I’m kinda worried or upset about going to medium.  I’m quite content where I am.  Nothing was said about moving today but it’s coming soon.  Fuck.  Just when it finally looks like I might get a package, I gotta leave …

Freddy A. was here today.  I don’t know why I even bothered to talk to him, as Lorrie would say, “he’s a fucking goof”.  I don’t want to have any more involvement with treatment centres when I get out of here.  No more of that shit, I’m gonna ‘go my own way’ …

February 2

[Guard 2] was working today and he told me he’d do all he could (“I’ll go to the wall for ya kid”) to keep me in max.  If that doesn’t work then I’ll be going Friday and I’m not gonna be happy about it.  Other than that it was a pretty bad day.  Ian left work early yesterday so he and Preston didn’t meet.  How come this never works out for me?  I’m so disgusted.  For the past six months it been just one fuck-up after another.

And I finally got Georges phone number and its been disconnected, so I had to call Art and ask him to get me tickets for Blue Rodeo.  He wasn’t home, Cindy was.  She says she won’t put them on the credit card and if my mother thinks its not a good idea for me to go (that’s what I expect and that’s why I didn’t ask her) they won’t go behind her back and get them for me.  I’m going to have to distance myself from my family.  I can’t handle being treated like a kid anymore …  I was really looking forward to getting that package tomorrow … but …

February 3

I managed to get a few V’s [valium] today.  Small consolation for missing my package but I was fairly happy.  They’re not really my kind of drug though, mostly they just make me tired …

Debra L. told Mark that she might be able to get the Blue Rodeo tickets for me, that’s a relief.  I really want to see them and I don’t have much faith in Art.  Dennis is out tomorrow and I’m hoping he will do me a favor.  That would really lift my spirits …

Dave D. brought in four John Grisham books so we’ve got something to read for the next few weeks.  Thank god for that because I’m running out of interesting books …

There’s talk of moving me to medium tomorrow but I really hope it doesn’t happen.  I’m not looking forward to that at all.  I’m now down to 5 weeks and I’d like to spend it here. This is my home, for the time being.

February 4

Well, Bubba didn’t send me to medium today.  That was quite a relief.  I should be able to hang on here till the end … I was hoping to finish my IQ test today but Sandy didn’t show up.  He’s not very reliable …

Dennis called this morning and said everything was ok, so I’m a-hoping that works out, probably not till Sunday though …

The guys were saying I was right out of it last night.  I took 5 v’s [valium] and I thought I was fine but everybody could tell I was stoned, that kinda scares me.  I’ll have to be careful about taking those things when I get out. …

Mark says that Debra L. will get me tickets for Blue Rodeo .  I hope so. Ian said he was also trying to round up some money to get them, but I told him to hold off for now.  Art hasn’t called back so I guess he’s not gonna do it …

I’ve got a couple of newspapers put away for the weekend and 2 John Grisham books, so it should be alright.

February 5

Saturday.  I got lots of sleep today, maybe too much, but that’s ok cause I’ve got a good book to read, tonight, “The Pelican Brief” …

I found out that Blue Rodeo is sold out.  I’m pretty disappointed about that.  I was really looking forward to it.  If I was out on the street, I could probably scrounge up some tickets somewhere, but there’s not much I can do from in here.  Qel domage.  Calice.  …

I’m getting a little worried about Dennis.  I expected to hear from him last night or today but I didn’t.  Could it be just another jailhouse promise?  I thought he was sincere …

I’ve got 3 newspapers put away for tomorrow so I should be able to keep myself busy.  After that I’ve only got four more weekends to go and then I’ll be a free man!

February 6

Another weekend down.  Only four more left now.  … Dennis was in lockup last night (still is) for threatening his ex-wife (again).  So much for the favor he was gonna do for us.  Just another in a long line of fuck-ups.  …

I tried to get high tonight by taking 14 phenobarbs but nothing much happened.  I’ll probably get a good nights sleep tonight and that’s about it …

We’re working on a 1000 piece puzzle now.  It’s not easy but it’s going well so far.  I just hope we have the patience to finish it. …

I hear that medium is full so I should be able to finish my time in max, as I had hoped. … I broke the hundred meal barrier yesterday!  96 to go …

February 7

‘twas a fairly good day.  Bubba says I’m safe here in max now … I finished my IQ test – got 128.  Sandy said it was one of the highest scores he’s ever tested.  120-130 is the top 6-7% of the population and 130+ is the top 2.2% (mensa).  I had hoped to get 130 but I’m happy with my score.  He said that it is probable that I could have scored higher on a different day.  But anyway, there’s no sign of brain damage and my memory is excellent.

He also told me he could write a letter for me that I could use in an application to a college.  My highest scores were in the verbal scores so I should be good at writing … after that I stopped at the library and picked up a few books and magazines.  I should have enough books now to finish my time …

I called the Island Rock Café and asked Keir to ask George and Elaine to look around for tickets to Blue Rodeo.  I really hope they can find some, I’d hate to miss that …

Went to church tonight, I was hoping to talk to Jodi (about Homewood and Jolene) but she wasn’t there.  Kinda like going to church.  I’m not interested in the message but if they’re willing to come out here then we should try to attend since there’s nothing else to do anyway.  I told them that Mark was depressed and lonely and that they should pray for him (ha ha ha) so he might be getting a visit from the Minister tomorrow. Ha ha ha, that’s gonna be funny.  I’m gonna miss some of these guys a little bit when I leave – there were some good moments – 30 days from now

February 8

One more day closer to getting out.  But I’m trying not to get excited … we got another guy in here today.  He’s a friend of Neils from New Brunswick.  He’s ok.  I imagine it’ll stay like this till I get out.

I went to the gym tonight and got on the exercise bike for 10 minutes.  It’s a start anyway.  I also lost a game of snooker to Neil but I haven’t played in a while … again we’re trying to get Ian and Debbie L. together for Friday.  I really fucking hope this works out …

Soon I’ll have to start making plans for when I get out; where to stay, how to make money, get my license back, and hopefully see Blue Rodeo.

February 9

Un bonjour … I called the box office and the Blue Rodeo tickets are not sold out.  Why would Debra L. say that??  So I’ve got 2 tickets reserved if I can pick them up by Wednesday.  But I also got work out to George to get me tickets.  I have to try and get a cancel-notice out to him.  But I’m ecstatic that I’ll get to see them after all.  I’ve been hoping or the last three months that they’ll play here right after I got out.  Yabba-dabba-doo.  I’ve got two tickets and I like to have a female to take with me but I haven’t got anybody to ask (except Jolene) … the French girl was in today to help me out.  I have a long way to go yet, but she’s a good help, I appreciate it.

… I called home this evening.  Art didn’t say a word to anybody about the tickets and now he’s gone to Hawaii.  ... Dad was really impressed with my IQ score.  I was talking with Steven too.  I’m finding it easier to talk to him now.  I hope I’m home for his March break.  But Mum’s looking after all of Art’s kids so it must be awful noisy out there …

Ian says he spoke to Debra L. and they were supposed to meet this evening.  This can’t fuck up again or can it? I have little faith in Debra L., but I’ll be pretty happy this weekend.  If that goes through and I can get somebody to pick up the tickets for me.

February 10

I’ve got exactly 4 weeks left.  Two more times through the menu and I’m outta here. … I spent 20 minutes on the exercise bike this evening, at least I’m getting a little bit active.  I hope to lose some weight when I get out of here.  I mean before I get out.  After I get out, I’d like to see if I can get some diet pills.  That, to me, sounds like the easiest and most fun way to lose weight.  Ah, there’s a pill for everything.

Apparently things workded out for Ian and Debbie Lee – can’t wait for confirmation on that.  It looks like this is going to be a most enjoyable weekend.

February 11

More bad luck today.  I think I have some kind of AA curse on me.  Everything was all set and ready to go but the two parties weren’t allowed to meet as they usually are.  Fuck.  On and on it goes.

Neil has a special visit tomorrow but he’s too chickenshit to do it.  Fuck him then – he won’t get any. … the guys all went to court today to set a date for trial.  Its November 6 and they’re going to be kept on remand till then, they are not happy obviously.  I think they fucked themselves by skipping the preliminary [hearing]. …

So I’ve decided to stop mentioning how much time I have left (27 days).  It was quiet while they were in court, so I wrote letters to Steven, [Valerie], Wayne, [Pauline], Tyler and Jimmy.  These will probably be the last (personal) letters that I have to write …

I took 2 V’s  [Valium] this afternoon and I don’t think they do anything for me.  I think I’ll stay away from those things after I get out …

I’m in a minor panic about getting the Blue Rodeo tickets.  Ian says he won’t have money till Tuesday or Wednesday and they’re only held till Wednesday.  I might ask my mother to put some extra money in my canteen and see if I can do it from here.  I can’t let this fuck up. …

And we got some decisions to make about what to do when I get out.  I’d like to go straight out to Souris and see the kids but I don’t want to be trapped in my parents home under their supervision.  I need a couple days of freedom.

February 13

I feel sick again today.  This flu just won’t give up.  My voice is giving out and I can’t sleep well.  It wasn’t a bad day just sitting around talking to the guys, but a few pills would have perked me up.

I’m glad that the weekend is over though. … I was expecting mum to come in but she didn’t show.  I was hoping to get some money from her to cover the Blue Rodeo tickets just in case Ian fucks up.  But Whip said he’ll help me out …

Mark’s friend “old man” is in here and he’s going to do me some favors when I get out, the plans sound good anyway … I wrote a letter to Jodi to try and talk her into going to Stonehenge.  I’d just like to see her get her life on the right track.  She shouldn’t be in this place, and I can see her getting in trouble again if she hooks up with Jason when he gets out.  I’m just trying to help …

Well, I’ve got a couple more opportunities this week to get my package in; eventually its gotta work out.  And I’m a-looking forward to seeing the kids on Saturday.  It should be easier to talk to them, less tension, with [Janine] there instead of my parents.  And it might make Steven feel good to see us all together again.

February 14

Still sick today and it seems to be getting worse.  I can hardly talk and I got a ‘constant craving’ [reference to a kd lang song].

There’s another opportunity coming tomorrow but I’ve long since learned that you can’t depend on anything or anybody around here. …

I brought Jason’s fit to him in church so he must have something that he doesn’t want to share.  Fucking dope pig. …

They sent a bunch of guys to medium today so it’s getting quieter around here now.  There’s just 8 of us, probably seven tomorrow … I was going to pass Jodi a letter in church but she wasn’t there.  I’ll have to try to do it through the kitchen I guess.

… tomorrow I must make another effort to secure Blue Rodeo tickets.  Whip says he can get me some but I gotta know for sure.  I can’t miss this … I hope I can get a good nights sleep tonight.  It’s been so long …

February 15

Another miserable day.  I just can’t shake this sickness.  My voice isn’t getting much better and I have the sweats.  And I just don’t feel like doing anything either.  I was hoping for some relief today but, no surprise, it didn’t work out.  I guess the next opportunity is Saturday and they’ll probably fuck that up too, just to be consistent. …

Ian has been ignoring my calls today.  My tickets are reserved till tomorrow and I’m getting worried.  I can’t miss that show.  … the final days are long ones.  I look forward to lock up at eleven, and hope for a good nights sleep.

February 16

Well I’ve reached the end of another seeming endless day.  I’m doing hard time with this flu or virus I have.  I feel like I’m coming off heroin cold turkey”  cold sweats, agitation, anxiety, irritability and my voice is gone.  It seemed a little better today but if I don’t see much more improvement by Friday, I may have to cancel my visit with the kids …

Ian didn’t pick up my tickets yesterday or today and I’m really stressed about that.  If Ian doesn’t come through tomorrow, Mark says that Debra L. could pick them up for me but they both lie all the time …

I saw the doctor and asked him to take me off Serane [?] and put me on busparone, and to give me some sedatives for the next few days, but I have little faith in him.  I’ll find out tomorrow evening what he did for me.  I’d never to go see that infidel on the street …  All I’m doing now is killing time, waiting for Saturday, and hoping my luck changes …

February 17

Well my throat is still bad and not improving much.  I can’t talk so I cancelled (till next week) the visit with the kids.  I was hoping I wouldn’t have to do that but … oh, well …

I still haven’t gotten my Blue Rodeo tickets.  Mark has Debra L. working on it.  She called Ian tonight and he was right out of it, she said.  I’m getting fed up with him.  Somehow it’s gonna work out tomorrow, or I’m fucked. …

I heard that Jodi might be getting parole next week so if I don’t see her soon I might not be able to get in touch with Jolene.  How come she never wrote to me?  Jodi hasn’t been working in the kitchen all week and I haven’t gone to church the past two weeks …

I got screwed by the fucking idiot doctor here.  I asked for sedatives for the rest of the week and to out me back on buspar (which takes ten days to work) but he cut out all the serax (gave me the buspar) and gave me two gravol to sleep at night.  I’d like her to go back and see him next week just to tell hom he’s an idiot.  He certainly doesn’t compare with Ambrose …

I’ve got rid of Byron (gone to medium) what a backwoods hill-billy he was.  Good riddance.  I hope we can keep just the four of us in here now till I get out.  It’s only three weeks now but the days sure are long …

February 18

This day (this week) seemed like the longest ever.  It’s the waiting and hoping for the package and also the flue and on top of that is laryngitis.  It doesn’t seem to be getting any better.  I put in a request to see a throat specialist today.  Haven’t gotten a response yet …

I haven’t been able to sleep all day but if I lie down under a blanket I get drenched with sweat.  This evening my cigarettes are tasting bad again so I expect that this is not near over yet.  I felt like writing a letter to that doctor today and telling him how stupid I think he is.  He could have given me something to help me through this but chose not to. …

I did receive a letter today from the RCMP.  It was bullshit.  It was about the accident involving [Janine]’s car and the investigation found that the arsehole (Butts – ha ha) cop didn’t list me as the driver but at the same time he said that he had no doubt in his mind that I was the driver.  Obviously, he is contradicting himself.  What I learned from this (and I’m not finished yet) is that it is a waste of time to have the cops investigating the cops, it’s a farce.

• 
• 
•  

… I’m sad but glad that I cancelled the kids visit for tomorrow.  I’m just too sick but I’ve only got 20 days left and when they get in next it will only be 12 left …

I have the Cowboy Junkies song, “A Common Disaster”, stuck in my head all day.  I like it.  I’m going to have some major CD buying to do after I get some money together …

    A Common Disaster, by Cowboy Junkies:

    A candle burning for everything I've ever wanted
    A tattoo burned for everything I've ever wanted and lost
    I had a long list of names that I kept in my back pocket,
    But I've cut it down to one and your name's at the top

    Won't you share a common disaster?
    Share with me a common disaster
    A common disaster

    I found myself a friend,
    But he's crooked as a stick in water
    So now I'm writing fairy tales

    To catch the spirit of revenge
    He's got a plan to steal my little sister,
    But I'm not too concerned
    'cause I will get him in the end

    Won't you share a common disaster?
    Share with me a common disaster
    A common disaster
    Going to find me someone to share
    A common disaster

    Run away with me from a life so cramped and dull
    Not worry too much about the happily-ever-after
    Just keep the Caddy moving
    'til we're well beyond that hill

    Won't you share a common disaster?
    Share with me a common disaster
    A common disaster

Ian did pick up my tickets today and I was greatly relieved to hear that.  But who can I get to go with me.  I’d like to take Jolene, but we’ve lost contact …

February 19

Well, my ship finally came in today. The long awaited and much appreciated package made its way in. I’ve waited so long but finally the wait is over.  But I only got 55 S’s instead of 100 as I had expected.  I guess Ian made a pig of himself.  But thank god, he didn’t touch the D’s, [Dilaudid] actually Oxycontone, and I find that they’re not as good as d’s, but overall, I am very pleased.  I did four of the oxy’s tonight and I don’t think I got the same high I would have gotten from one d-8.  these things aren’t going to last me as long as I had expected.  The rush was pleasurable but not even close, a slight disappointment …

I was feeling really agitated, anxious and just overall feeling shitty.  I’m no psychologist but I’m thinking that my hopes and expectations … [writing fades off into a scribble, as if he fell asleep or nodded off] … I felt just like a junkie waiting for his fix.  M. didn’t get his package today, he was disappointed.  Somebody always fucks up somewhere, it’s inevitable.  I’ve probably … Mark says that Debra L. would like to go to Blue Rodeo with me.  I’m going to have to put some serious thought into that.  Mark says its ok to [**] her … hmmm.  Could be interesting but it’s been so long for me.  It’s looking like I wonder if I shall go.

It doesn’t seem like I’m going to hear from Jolene so I have to [the writing is really slurred and hard to read at this point] … but I haven’t actually got anybody to go with so I’ll have to lay on the charm in the six days between my release and the concert.  I could take Wayne or Ian but I’d rather find a female, it’s been so long.

… I’m starting to spend a lot of time thinking about getting out.  Its been a long long time.  And I’ve got to spend some time with the kids, making up for lost time. … After, I did some oxy’s.  Tonight my voice was no longer gone so I called Wayne and he says he can pick me up at 6:30 am on the tenth, that’s what friends are for.

I’ve got some things to do in Charlottetown before going to Souris (zero tolerance).  [nurse2] the nurse is still here, but yesterday she was bugging me to drop the complaint.  Fuck, I could use a beer now … [indiscipherable words] … well, I guess I’ll end this cause I’m going on the nod … only 19 days to go.

February 20

I stayed up till 4:00 am last night doing those oxy’s.  I’m such a pig with those.  It scares me.  I’ll have to be careful with them when I get out.  But it sure was fun.  When I got up this morning I only had 4 left.  I was hoping I could make them last for 2 weeks but I’ve never been able to do that before so I’m not surprised, but I am disappointed in myself.  I gave one of the guys one to hold on to till next weekend.  It’s not safe for me to try and save it.  I wish I had gotten d’s though, they’re a lot better …

I had a good buzz going today.  I’m glad that no one showed up to visit – that might not have went well … I wish that package was bigger but I’m just so glad that I finally got them.  I threw up a few times this evening but I felt better afterwards … I still can’t talk so tomorrow I’m going to insist that I see a doctor immediately.  I don’t really figure they’ll fuck me around because after all the shit I’ve caused [at this point his writing is really messed up and he is clearly intoxicated] … but we’ll see … Mark’s been setting me up with Debra L. for the Blue Rodeo … she’s nice looking  … if she really wants to go … maybe …

February 21

Another Monday.  I slept almost the whole day, even went to bed early.  I think this is my bodies way of warning me to stop doing narcotics.  If I don't do them for 3 or 4 days, I get sick from withdrawal symptoms.  If I stop after 2 days, I just sleep a lot.  But I wish I had more serax.  I was expecting 100 but I only got 56, either Ian was a pig or somebody skimmed them.  It’s too bad cause I have to split them 5 ways and I’ve only got nine left …

My throat is not getting any better, now they’re saying that  I’ll have to be referred by the doctor here but I saw him last week and he didn’t do anything.  I have no use for that fucker.  I hope I can get my voice back so I can tell him off. …

Church tonight but the girls didn’t show up.  I wanted to talk to Jodi before she leaves … I saw an ad in the paper where the Best Western rents out rooms by the month with kitchens, I hope I can get one of those. That’s more my style than some dirtbag hotel … 17 days left …

February 22

Sixteen days left and they’re a-draggin by.  I got high again tonight on Oxycontone (I had one stashed – saved, little peace for Friday)  I really like that stuff.  The feeling is just so good that I may never be able to give it up.  I’m definitely eagerly looking forward to some more, shouldn’t be too long now. …

I slept all morning and all afternoon.  I probably could have slept all evening too but I just couldn’t stop thinking about the oxy stash.  Hope I can hold on to the oxy till Saturday.  Ian was supposed to send 120 S’s but we only got 55, that wasn’t much good amongst five of us.  Don’t they realize that it is so much harder to get here than on the street?

I’m getting nervous too that he won’t have my money when I get out.  I really need that …

I have to see the doctor tomorrow about getting a referral to the throat specialist.  I don’t know why the little fag couldn’t have done that last week, nobody cares around here. …

Mark may have set Debra L. up with me for Blue Rodeo, I guess that will be alright, maybe even fun … I saw an ad in the paper that the McLaughlin’s is renting rooms monthly.  That looks like the place for me.  But I hope welfare is not a problem.

February 23

I slept all day today thanks to the Serax.  Too bad they’re all gone.  And I’ve got one hit of oxy saved for Saturday.  I saw the doctor again.  He’s going to be giving me antibiotics for a week and then I see him again.  I think my voice is getting a little better, and the guys say it is …

I started Mark’s civil war book today, that should keep me going till I get out.  But every time I read it I fall asleep …

I think Debra L. is going to go to Blue Rodeo with me.  That’s ok.  I’d hate to go alone. …

I hope I can get a room at McLaughlin’s, maybe a suite, that would be cool.  Classy and downtown. … When I get up tomorrow, I’ll have only fifteen days left.  It’s really getting close.

February 24

My throat seems to be getting better … I started on antibiotics this evening.  They’re not sure if that will help or not but let’s take ‘em anyway.  I slept most of the afternoon, as I have all week.

Mum and dad were in to visit me.  I told them I was getting out a day later than I actually am so I can have some time to myself.  Hope my jeans fit. … Blaisdale and Contian got sent to the hole for trying to set up a drug deal over the phone … I was having a really boring evening and then one of the guys came back from the gym and gave me an oxy which I thought he took himself. I was very very happy.  But my fit broke and I had to rig something up.  It’s pathetic to see but it works (although my veins are getting pretty tough …

Carlos Santana won eight Grammy’s last night. I was glad to hear that.  He surely earned them …

I think my voice is good enough that I can make phone calls again.  I’d like to set up an appointment at Motor Vehicles and call McLaughlin’s abut a room, that would be a great place to stay. …

I’m feeling great after taking that pill.  I’ve got a hit saved for tomorrow and another one for Saturday.  That should hold me till Saturday and seeing the kids will give me the inspiration.  I need to get through the next two weeks.  I just have to get through the menu one more time and I’m outta here.

And Mark says that Debra L. will go to Blue Rodeo with me, that’s mighty kind of her.  Sure will be nice to leave although I feel bad about the other guys being stuck here all year, but I’ll be out there to help if they need anything.

February 25

‘twas a day of heavy thinking.  This morning all I could think about was the pieces of the pill I had hidden.  I had planned to save them till tonight or tomorrow, but I couldn’t fight the urge.  Those things really do get their claws into me.  I feel some withdrawal symptoms now and just a day or so.  What’s gonna happen when I get out? I can’t go back to being sick all the time again …

I didn’t feel like calling anyone today – put it all off till Monday.  Mark got a letter from the old man and he’s expecting to hear from me when I get out.  I had a few guilty feelings today about going back to dealing but that’s what I’ve done all my life and I can’t stand being broke any longer.  I am getting anxious about leaving too.  I’ve been sheltered for a long time …

Tomorrow morning I’m getting a visit from my kids, that should cheer me up but it always me sad when they go.  Ah, but it’s only 13 days now.  I think they’re gonna be long ones though …

February 26

Saturday, my second last Saturday, and holy fuck, it was long.  Every minute seemed like an hour.  I got up early (9:00) cause [Janine] was bringing the kids in for a visti.  It was the last one we’ll be having here.  Next time I’ll see ‘em at home in Souris.  The visit was good. [Valerie], so pretty, talked and ran around for the whole hour.  Steven and her get along well. I don’t spend as  much time talking to Steven as I do [Valerie] because she seems to be the center of attention.  I’m hoping she’ll be left-handed, that would make me proud or prouder, I should say.

After the visit, I didn’t get strip searched, that was a relief because I had planned to put up a fuss.  I just can’t take that shit anymore …

After lunch, I laid down and read and tried to get to sleep but I just couldn’t get any sleep.  Same thing all evening, some times I get so bored with tv, with everything and the fact that the tv is always on, that I go to my room but today I was restless and just couldn’t relax enough to sleep. I think I’m going through withdrawal just from the two pills I took this week and I’m so sick of that feeling.  It scares me that I could so easily get addicted to that stuff again …

Christina was working max this evening.  She’s very pretty and she always smiles and talks to me when she’s around.  I’d love to see her at Myron’s or some other drinking establishment and have a good conversation with her … I think it’s going to be very easy for me to pick up women this time around, they find me adorable, ‘specially once they get to know me.  Well, that’s my theory and I hope to test it soon. … hope I’m feeling better tomorrow or else it’s gonna be another bastard of a day, going on and on and on …

February 27

Well, what a long fucking weekend this was.  I gotta get outta here … my voice is coming back and I feel a bit better but I can’t sleep during the day and I don’t feel like getting up to do anything … I think I’m depressed – it’s probably related to me getting out soon.  It really has been a long time that I’ve been in here.  Perhaps I am slightly institutionalized …

One thing that really bothers me is that I don’t know whether or not I can get my license back or not.  Also, I’m worried about not having any money.  I gotta get something going soon after I’m out.  It would feel great to have a pocketful of money again.  It’s been so long. …

Neil was kind of cranky today … the abuse Laurie gives him is relentless, usually he takes it pretty good … we all need some good laughs tonight watching t.v. and making fun of disabled people (I guess we’re sick) but at least I was in a good mood when the day ended …

I now have only one more weekend left (there was 20 females in here last night, 13 weekenders (incl. Jodi?) and 7 lock-ups, I’ve never seen it like that before.  I think it might be good for me if I can get a room at McLaughlin’s, coming from an institution, it might help me to adjust better in a place where there’s always people around.  Certainly I wouldn’t want to be looking for an apartment and getting utilities and all that shit hooked up, a motel more suits my needs now.  But I need that fucking license too, hopefully things will fall into place …

Anyway, just 11 days left now.  Monday is usually one of the better days and I got to start making phone calls tomorrow to get things set for when I get out.  I hope I still got a few friends I can count on out there.

February 28

We got [Guard 4] and [Guard 3] working tonight, two of the guards that I think highly of.  They’re both really easy to get along with and don’t really give a fuck about anything … it was another long day (I’m thinking that’s probably just part of the package) but not an eventful day …

Jodi said that Jolene was back in when the girls were going outside this morning.  Jolene didn’t go out but there were 2 other good looking girls out.  The story is that 8 kids, male and female, stabbed a guy Saturday night and beat the shit out of him.  Kids are getting bad these days, we weren’t doing that kind of shit when I was younger …

Bdale got back from the hole (Bubba said he was going to be on America’s Stupidest Criminals – over the phone: “make sure it’s 8 grams dad!”) … this afternoon, I called some motels around town and found that none are really inexpensive.

McLaughlin’s is the most appealing to me ($525) but that’s out of welfares range and I get the feeling that most of these places don’t want to deal with welfare people.  If I find a place away from downtown I’ll just spend more money on cabs.  It’s not easy to get out of jail and have a place waiting for you.  I’m thinking that I might just try to get something for a week and then figure it out from there.  Seems like a shame to be using my own money when welfare should be paying for this.

I also called Audrey M. at DMV.  I was hoping to get an appointment for the day I get out but I can’t get in till the 16th.  She tells me that the car accident involving the 929 is still on my record.  I’m sending a letter to the RCMP insisting that they remove it or be sued.  I can’t understand how they can get away with that shit …

And I also called Ian.  He says he will have $400 - $500 for me the day I get out but I know him to be unreliable so I just can’t bank on that …  We had church tonight.  Most of the girls, including Jolene, didn’t show up.

Troy was out-of-it on pills and made a fucking fool of himself, [Terrence] did the same – both of them got kicked out and later ended up in lock-up.  I hate seeing people stoned on valium, it turns you into an idiot.  I hope that I never get like that (again).  And if you don’t have drugs to share why come and show the less fortunate (like me) how stoned you are, just fuck off and stay in your own unit …

Neil and Lorrie’s lawyer came in this evening and dumped another pile of paperwork on them.  There’s a whole alphabet of rats and I have seen much yet but its mentioned a lot that George is under investigation too.  I would be involved, too, in any mention of George prior to May ’97.  Interesting reading for me, but I wouldn’t want to be in their shoes.  If they don’t get off on a technicality, they’re fucked …

… I got 10 days left now, long ones, all of ‘em, I expect.  I have lots of newspapers to read but I can’t get myself interested in reading them.  I think I’m still feeling the after-effects of those 11 pills, that shit is so powerful it scares me.  I can’t become a slave to it again after all I’ve been through these past 2 years. … anyway, … 10 more days …

February 29

Fucking extra day, leap year.  The guys have been going over the new paperwork non stop and they’re all in good spirits today.  What they are looking at now is the info the cops obtained from their “sources” and how it is used to get warrants.  It all looks to be a bunch of guesses and assumptions.  This goes to the root of the investigation and could lead to all the warrants being quashed.  I don’t think the prosecutor expected it to go this far and now it looks like it might fall apart due to sloppy police work.  I can see now that I could easily have beaten  my charge if I had chosen a different lawyer, J. Davis just sets up deals.  I got fucked but it’s too late now …

I put signs on everybodys door identifying ourselves as source R (me), M, N and W.  The cops have listed 23 sources, A-W, and most of its crap.  I really hope they beat this thing and make fools out of the cops.  They deserve to be put in their places.  Bastards.  They’re no good.

… Troy got sent back to Renous this morning.  I’d say he’s feeling pretty stupid right now, fucked it all up over a few pills.  [Terrence], I would say, will finish his bit in segregation.  I don’t think any of the units want him. …

I couldn’t get through to McLaughlins today but I’m going to try and book a room for the 10th and figure it all out after.  Just 9 days left now.  February’s done.  My month has finally come around.  Soon I will be free … yeah …

March 1

This is the month I’ve been waiting for, so long.  This week’s been going alright.  I’m feeling somewhat better these past few days although I’m a bit over anxious and today I’ve been twitching.  I felt better on the Serax but it was in my best interests to get off that stuff …

Lorrie and the guys have found a lot of errors and lies in the police summary (?), where the cops show how and what information they used to obtain the warrants.  Some of it looks pretty crooked and so maybe they can beat these charges.  I hope they do and furthermore I hope they make fools out of the cops …

We had this kid, Ronnie G., who did an armed robbery at the Green Gables.  He’s not getting along with anybody in the unit (he asked Whip if he could move into our unit -> no, fuck no, I don’t like you, get that idea out of your head right now …).  This evening he freaked out in his unit, banging his head on the wall and threatening to stab a pen through his heart.  This kid is fucked up.  I don’t know why they put him in max when he obviously belongs with the weirdos, well he’s in 202 now [mental area] and I don’t think he’ll be coming back here.  We all think he got off way too easy – 6 months for armed robbery!  … go figure …

I got a room reserved at McLaughlins the day I get out for the rest of March.  The only problem is that they want a personal check post-dated for April 1 and I don’t have any chequing accounts, but surely I can find a way around that.  I hope so cause McLaughlins is a nice place to stay.  My time is so short now, just 8 more days and I’m gone.

March 2

The new remission sheet came out today and I still haven’t made the front page, I was kinda disappointed.  I guess it’s a long way to the top.  Mark, Neil and Lorrie have been going through the cops information.  It looks to me that the cops didn’t know what they were doing and they used weak information and lies to get their warrants.  This case could get thrown out by the judge.  I hope it does and I also hope the cops get exposed for their lies and bullshit.

Mark and Lorrie are having a hard time explaining things to Neil (“what do you call those things?” “affidavits” “and don’t they come in a box or something?” sealed package ha ha ha ha) …

Still haven’t seen any sign of Jolene – wonder what she’s up to.  I guess she doesn’t love me anymore …

I’m getting a bit nervous about getting out next week.  I really hope my parents don’t try and get too involved.  They probably won’t want me to live in town and I just don’t want to fight with them about it.  Just don’t need that kind of stress right now.  To go straight from here to their house in Souris would be too much of a shock to my system.  But I still have time to think about it …. When I get up tomorrow, I’ll only have one week left.  It’s been a long time coming, but the countdown is on …

March 3

Getting ever closer to my release date.  This time next week, I’ll be a free (and drunk) man.  Everything seems to be falling into place.  Wayne is going to pick me up and then I’m going to see Ian and pick up some money. I have to see welfare, a doctor, and open a bank account.  With that done, I’ll be checking into my new home at McLaughlins …

I’ve got 6 newspapers saved up so I can read all weekend, my last weekend … the guards are calling me a short time now – I thought that would never come.

… to be honest, I’m getting tired of hearing Lorrie and Neil and Mark go over their “sealed package” (ha ha) – a few jokes about that today.  … The girls haven’t been out much lately but they might be working in the kitchen this weekend.  I’d like to speak to Jolene before I’m set loose. … when I wake tomorrow I’ll have only 6 days.

March 4

My last Saturday.  I suppose the highlight of the day was when I scored 5 valium.  I could have tried to make them last, at least till tomorrow, but I ate ‘em all.  Just because they were there.  I don’t even really like them.  They mellow me out but mostly they just make me tired.  I don’t seem to get high from them.  I hope I never really get back into abusing them cause they make you stupid and you don’t even realize it.  So today I just took my valium and laid around reading newspapers all day.  But I wasn’t really bored so it was ok although I wish I had saved 2 for tomorrow.

But I’m out so soon that it doesn’t really matter, just five more days. I guess I’ll call home Monday and argue about my plans for Friday.  I don’t think they’ll want me to be loose in Charlottetown, but I can’t handle going straight to Souris.  If I had my license and a car it would be okay, but for my first day out, I’d like to be free to do as I please.  Not a popular position in Souris, I expect, but that’s how its gonna be.  I just hope they don’t drain my bank account thinking that if I have no money, I can’t find trouble.  I can see some big arguments coming up in the next few weeks when I let them know that I think AA is full of shit.  If I can’t drink beer I might as well be dead.

March 5

My last weekend is finished. Yabba dabba do!  The guards are all calling me a short timer.  I’m on my way out, finally …

I’m sleeping really good lately.  I can easily stay in bed till dinner and I had a good nap this afternoon.  I’ve had trouble sleeping during the day for the past two weeks but not today.  Maybe its cuase I’ve got some plans made for when I get out.  I have a place to stay, Ian’s got money for me, and Wayne is going to pick me up.  The only thing left to do is call home tomorrow and argue with my parents about why I don’t want them to pick me up Friday and take me back to Souris (from one prison to another).  But Charlottetown is my home and if I’m going to stay on PEI, it’s gonna be here.  But I’ll have to get to Souris on Saturday cause Steven is expecting me and I can’t let him down again.  Everythings gonna be alright.

March 6

3 more days left.  This one was alright.  I met with Sandy and he says he’ll write a letter showing that I’m well suited for learning if I was applying for a course.  He also said that he knows the manager at Slemon Park and would call him to see if there are any suitable positions there for me. He told me that he enjoyed our sessions and I did enjoy them too.

… the girls didn’t show up in church so we made the best of it. We sand the joy joy joy song and afterwards most of them shook my hand.  They’ve got some strange ideas but they mean well … this evening, I called home and my mother kinda freaked when I told her I wasn’t going to Souris until Saturday.  I expect that they want to keep me under surveillance to ensure that I’m not drinking or using.  But the kids complicate things.  I have to see them and to do that I have to put up with my parents and I don’t look forward to that.  I don’t have much money but I don’t want to ask them for any.  At this moment, the most stressful thing in my life is dealing with my parents.  Everything else I can work around but I can’t handle the badgering and nagging about addiction.

… It looks like I might not see Jolene this week unless she goes outside. … I tried on my jeans today.  They’re tight but they still fit, that’s a relief.  I’ll be leaving here with one box of papers and one bag of clothes.  That’s not too bad.  Just 3 more days and 4 sleeps.

March 7

2 days left.  It’s getting so close I’m trying not to think about it too much but I’m worried about not having enough money.  Ian promised me at least $400 but when I called today, he only had $100.  I’m really counting on the four …

Lorrie went to court today and it’s been put off for another 2 weeks.  Neil isn’t happy about that.  He’s worried about sitting here till December, and rightfully so … I guess Jolene got out.  She didn’t even come outside and say hi.  That wasn’t very kind of her …

Sandy brought me a letter that he wrote for me to use when applying to college or for work.  He said that I’m in the 97th percentile overall for IQ and in the 99th percentile for verbal skills.  I’m sure I could do quite well as a writer.  He also knows the guy in charge of Slemon park and says he can call him for me.  Sandy has been very helpful and I appreciated it, since the rest are always fucking me around …

I wrote a letter to the RCMP to threaten them with legal action if they don’t have the accident removed from my record … we made a successful retrieval of some almost lost drugs today.  It was clever, the way we did it … Somebody fucked up with the medication blister packs so I’m getting double atarax. Ha ha I’m not going to say anything …

Tomorrow we get pancakes, the only breakfast I eat, ya-hoo.  I only have tow more breakfasts anyway cause I’m getting’ outta here Friday at 6:50 am.  I guess that TGIF thing will apply for that day.

March 8

My light burnt out so I’m sleeping downstairs in Jason’s old room tonight.  Pain in the arse.  … Today I went outside for a half an hour.  Just thought I’d get some fresh air and prepare myself for getting out …

My request for a limousine was denied, as expected.  Bastards!  Infidels! …

Neil wouldn’t play cards with Whip and Mark today because Whip always yells at him.  Lorrie picks on him relentlessly …

Ian seems to be fucking around about the money.  Now he says 100 or 200 on Friday morning and more in the afternoon but he tells me something different every time I talk to him. I really hope he doesn’t fuck this up …

I might try and get out to Winstons or G’s to see if they can help me out.  One way or another, I’ve got to get my room on Friday before my mother gets involved.  It wouldn’t surprise me if she showed up here Friday morning even though I told her not to.  I shouldn’t even have said I’d be out Friday.  So anyway, my time is pretty near finished here.  All I got left to do is take a shower and make 3 more trips to the kitchen.  I’m trying not to get too excited but its really gonna be nice to walk out the front door of this place Friday morning.  Everything is gonna work out fine this summer, me thinks.

March 9 - Released

The final day.  It’s been a long time coming. Tomorrow at 6:30, I’ll be on my way, on a new adventure to see where life takes me, and I hope it doesn’t include AA.  Anything could go wrong but I’ve got a feeling that things are going to work out fine.  I’m gonna miss Lorrie, Mark, and Neil.  We had a fairly good time together in this unit.  Sleepy Hollow isn’t really a bad place to do time as long as you don’t do too much.  I’d 16 ½ months and I’m kinda proud that I made it through unscathed, and if I want to see again, I’ve made some good connections … I couldn’t get in touch with Wayne this morning but I’m expecting him to be here at 6:30 … it’s really been a long time since I’ve been on the street, no conditions attached.

Tomorrow I’m free to do as I please … Saturday I’ll be going out to Souris to see the kids.  Seeing them at home is going to be nice for a change, but I’m not looking forward to tangling with my parents. I wish they could just see who I really am and let it be.

… Jolene in the Lacy House and Debra L. is supposed to go to Blue Rodeo with me so I will be mingling with the opposite sex.  I’m going to enjoy meeting some new women (obviously).

I’m really optimistic about the future.  Opportunities and maybe some good luck will come my way and everything’s just going to work out fine.  I’m ready and willing and eager to put these last 2 years behind and show the world what I can do, and these are my last words from Sleepy Hollow.

I like the outlaw culture and ‘one day at a time’ indicated to me that you’re doing a sentence.  I wish they could just accept me for who I am, but I doubt that will ever happen.  Reggie just doesn’t follow the rules and that’s how it is. I am, I’m me.