November 6 (Day 10)- Court

Today, I went to court.  Before leaving I was strip searched (lest I try to smuggles something out of jail, I guess.  Although perhaps they are concerned about somebody having a makeshift handcuff key as Gary G. apparently had).  Then I was allowed to change into my “street clothes”.  And then I was handcuffed and even leg shackled and also photographed (they were concerned I might run away (thus the leg shackles) and if I did so they would need to have a picture to circulate for identification (thus the photograph)).  After this I was locked in a little cage in the back of the van and taken downtown.  I can see that they have taken precautions to prevent another [convict] (who escaped from the van en route to the court and evaded capture for several days) type incident.

My mother and father were at the courthouse.  I’m glad they didn’t have to see me in cuffs and shackles (they were removed upon arrival at the courthouse).  My mother will be coming to visit on Sunday.  Again, I’m unsure whether I want her to visit as we will have to talk through a piece of plexiglass.  I’m sure her perspective on this situation is quite different than mine and I would hate to see her cry.

The hearing was rescheduled for 9:30 but my lawyer didn’t show up until 9:45.  At this point, I have little confidence in her.  I wish I could afford a “real” lawyer.  But these are my circumstances and I must accept them. The hearing has been adjourned to Nov. 25 to allow us more time to prepare.  I was hoping to be released until that date but that has not happened.

The prosecutor is, in my opinion, an arsehole.  His position is that, I should never have gotten a conditional sentence in the first place, but since I did, he seems to harbor resentment towards me.  If I was released his position is that I would then be in breach of the condition that I reside in Talbot House, so he would have me arrested again.  If I were a lawyer, I would love to have a case like this; there are so many challenges involved.  It’s almost like a game – reg. vs prosecutor.  If he were to have me arrested while on a release granted by the court I think it would look petty and vindictive, which would strengthen my case.

• 
• 
• 
•  

I think my best approach in this situation would be to write a letter to Dr. Jones.  Since I am in jail, with access to a pencil and paper, and have plenty of free time, that is what I will do.

I must mention lunch.  I was able to pull off my first inside scam, with Ambrose as my accomplice.  I reported to the nurse that I was allergic to fish.  A call was made to Ambrose who confirmed my story, apparently.  Today, I was served chicken fingers – “special diet” while the others ate fish. Ha ha ha ha ha ah ha ha ha ha ha ah ha ha ha ha ha …… infidels! ……soon all will be under my control …will proceed with plans for world domination … ah ha ha ha ha ha ah ha ha ha ha ha ah ha ha ha ha ha ha … …

Well, I haven’t gotten a lot written here but I did write an eight page letter to Dr. Jones. Overall, I had a good day.  They all seem to be good days.  Life’s an adventure enjoy it.

I was able to talk the guys into watching South Park so now I go watch TV.

Jennifer, from the detox, brought me my pills tonight.  It was nice to see her, a pleasant surprise.  She’s always nice and friendly.  I wish we had met years ago (we would make cute babies).

November 7 (Day 11)

Today is Saturday and I slept in till lunch.  I do enjoy this.  I was telling the guys that sometimes I get up in the middle of the night and piss on the floor around the toilet cause its dark and I can’t see the toilet.  I figured this must happen to everybody, but they laughed at me.  Sometimes there’s no need for honesty.

The ones who have spent a lot of time in jail won’t even flush their toilets before noon so as not to disturb the rest of us.  Myself, I will flush as it needs to be flushed until directly told otherwise.

I’m really lazy today.  I slept all morning and afternoon.  In fact, if I could be granted only one wish I’d ask for the ability to hibernate like a bear.

For lunch today we had real French fries and a hamburger.  I guess this is a “treat” for us, every Saturday we get real fries and hotdogs or hamburgers.  But they fed us stew for supper.  I’m going to have to try saying that I’m allergic to that garbage.  Crackers are always available in the kitchen and so I’m sustaining myself on those.

Doug said to me, “you always look like you’re in a good mood”, which is a pleasant compliment.  I am always in a good mood (acceptance, page 449 of the big book).  That’s what makes my time here (my ‘bit’) easy.  Doug is very easy to get along with.  You can always joke around with him, whereas Andre is much more serious, always bashing P.E.I. (he’s from Toronto).  But you can have a laugh with him too.  Mac and Larry are also easy to get along with.  We have a good crew in here.

I was hoping Jennifer would bring my pills tonight, but it was not to be.  I guess she must have been filling in for somebody as the guys say they’ve never seen her before.  I firmly believe that Jennifer and I would make cute babies.

We are unable to get the newspaper her today.  We are wondering if there is something in it they don’t want us to see.  Or maybe they are just playing with our heads.  They do that around here.  Infidels.

I had a really good day altogether.  I always feel good, every day.  It’s hard to imagine that I wanted to die only 6 months ago.  Now I must start working on a plan for how I will stay straight if I am released on the 25th.  I am seriously considering Ontario, but first I must make some phone calls.

November 8 (Day 12)

Again, I sleep till 12:30, getting up just in time for lunch.  Today we eat like kings; chicken nuggets and French fires (PEI French fries of course).  Interestingly, they serve the same chicken nuggets as you would find at McDonalds.  This is the first time I’ve seen these outside of McDonalds.  Andre is hearing a lot of jokes about PEI potatoes (he is from Toronto).  I told him that I had a vision of him in the future. He is at a truck stop in Ontario waiting for a truckload of PEI potatoes to pull in so he can steal it.  All his friends are saying: “poor Andre, he used to be so good at this but now all he wants is PEI potatoes”.  Then I see Andre out in the woods with the truck hidden and a big smile on his face.

[Janine] and my mother came to visit today.  I wasn’t expecting [Janine] to come.  Basically they tried to make me feel guilty and sorry for myself and the kids.  I am worried but what good does it do me to dwell on it.  [Janine] wants me to write a letter to Steven which I suppose I can do.  I really feel like a convict talking to them on a phone through the glass, just like in the movies.  I guess the people who built this place watch the same prison movies I saw.  Hmmm.

We had an AA meeting here tonight.  I kind of miss going to AA.  Hopefully this will soon be over and everything will be normal, whatever that is.

I didn’t get much writing done today.  I’ll get back with it tomorrow.  There’s always tomorrow.

November 9 (Day 13)

The thirteen day of my thirteen days here.  Unlucky?  I think not.  It’s Monday, back to routine, I suppose.

I’ve just been asked to clean up my cell.  It seems that they think my cell is messy.  And, well it is.  I have books and magazines and papers scattered all over it.  But, I like to think it’s an organized mess.  I can find what I need when I need it.  But I have cleaned it up, as these are the rules I live by in here.  And I’ve done a fine job too.  My mother would be proud of me, if she were still alive.  And she is.  So she should be proud of me if only for the reason that my cell is clean, I’m a model inmate, struggling against the grime within our justice system.

I’m starting to babble so perhaps it’s best that I nap.

One of the guards came in and talked to me and Doug about conditional sentences. It seems unlikely that I will get thrown in here for the rest of my sentence as I didn’t re-offend but ‘merely’ broke one of my conditions, but the situation is complicated so we’ll have to see what happens.

I bought a bale of tobacco for Doug.  He is waiting for a money order and he’s no money in his account.  I did this because I’m basically a good guy.

The guys are talking about doing break and enter.  They call a crowbar, “the key to the city”, it’s hard to buy crowbars and burglary tools here on PEI because of how people here (including salesmen, clerks) like to talk, gossip.  One guy said its more work to get the tools than it is to do the job itself.  He broke into a sheet metal shop just to get prybars to do his jobs.

I’m now involved in a game of Risk, the game of world domination.  At the moment it appears that I am losing (we got some new games today).  I am taking a break now to consider strategy, the world shall be mine. Ah ha ha ha ha ah ha ha ha ha.

November 10 (Day 14)

Here I am, still in Sleepy Hollow.  Things are getting routine and its getting harder to write.  The … uh …case work supervisor? Came to see me this morning.  I had several things to ask him about.  First, I wanted to know if they had any programs for drug abuse here.  They do but it will have to wait until after I’m sentenced.  Second, I asked if Freddy could come out and see me.  They said “ok” and then will him for me, and third, I told them about the situation with Dr. Jones.  They will consult Addiction Services and see what can be done.

I also spoke to the nurse ... about my medication.  I am getting a bit anxious and depressed lately, kind of like I was before I started taking my pills in June.  She will give me some Atarax at night and put me on the list to see the doctor.

Doug is thinking about writing a letter to his ex-girlfriend.  Doug, it seems, is involved in a love triangle which includes a pregnant ex who still loves her old boyfriend (he’s dead) and a new girlfriend who wants him to move to Toronto.  Doug is confused.  The situation is complicated.  I told him I will be calling Jerry Springer.

We spend the afternoon playing board games (Brenda didn’t show up – says she’ll be here tomorrow).  I lost to Andre in Risk and again in Scrabble.  But at least it makes the time go by fast.

They gave me fish for dinner.  I guess my scam didn’t work after all.

November 11 (Day 15)

Finally I get the writing paper I’ve been waiting for (they ran out yesterday).  Today’s a holiday (Remembrance Day) so again I get to sleep in.  This I like.

Today I shaved.  We have to ask the guard for a razor (they keep them locked up because they fear we will take the blades out and make weapons or commit suicide).  The guard who passed me the razor put on a rubber glove before picking it up.  We are not given gloves.  I guess that means that he is concerned about catching a disease but it doesn’t matter if one of us does.  Moe says the gloves are so we won’t catch the guards diseases.  I’ll go with that explanation.  It’s also hard to get a good look at yourself in the mirror because the mirror is not your normal glass mirror.  It’s a piece of shiny metal bolted to the wall.  Things are different in here.  I also notice there are no electrical outlets in the cells (and light switches are outside too).  Also the light itself is enclosed in a heavy casing, I suppose this is so we will not try to electrocute ourselves.  It seems they don’t have much confidence in the inmates willingness to survive this ordeal.

I spoke to Wayne N. on the phone last night.  He’s doing OK.  He tells me that Freddy offered to let him come to morning group at the house.  I think I will talk to Freddy about this option for myself and incorporate it into my plans.  I will discuss it wiuth my lawyer if she shows up today.

Chicken legs for supper tonight; I think there is a repeating pattern to these meals.  Further investigation is warranted.

My lawyer didn’t show up today so most of the day was spent playing Risk.  Twice so far, I have lost.  Third time lucky, I hope.

November 12 (Day 16)

Just another day here, most of it spent playing Risk (secret mission version).  I have lost every game so far, but I get enjoyment from just confusing the other guys.  I act as a world terrorist, unpredictable.  No one understands my strategy.  No one understands me.  Poor me.

My lawyer didn’t show up again today.  I just have to hope for tomorrow, as I don’t want everything left to the last minute (again).  Andre got some good news from her yesterday.  It seems there is more evidence against him than he thought (he is suspected of burglarizing the Post Office in Morell).  He has been asking questions about policies and conditions in Springhill, a Federal Institution in Nova Scotia.  He seems to be getting mentally prepared for it.  I hope he is found not guilty, but it is out of my control.  His trial is in Souris and I may attend if I’m out.

I’ve been unable to make any phone calls today, as it is Thursday.  Because Thursday is a visiting day, we cannot make calls, except to a lawyer.  Those are the rules and it is not in my power to change them.  Acceptance (page 449 of the big book).  I would like to talk to Freddy and find out when he will be out to see me.

I have confirmed that there is a regular pattern to the meals here.  They go in a two week cycle.  Today, we had the same meals as we did on Thursday Oct. 29, the day after I came in.  I am making up my own meal schedule so I will know what to expect.  From this I will be able to determine how much junk food to order from the canteen.  My survival is important.  A man cannot live on slop alone.

November 13 (Day 17)

Friday the 13th.  So far, so good.  I got up and won the game of Risk that we started last night, with a brilliant (of course) strategy.  Proceeded with plans for world domination.  Canteen order came.  Plenty of tobacco and chocolate bars for the weekend.  Everything looks ok, so far.

I’ve heard from the staff ([Supervisor] Thompson) that Freddy will be out to see me, but it may not be this week.  Also, I’ve been told that Dr. Jones has been contacted but has still has not decided whether or not to accept a call from me.  I shall remain optimistic.

Doug and Andre were telling me about the awful conditions at jails in Ontario (Donwood, Borden, Guelph).  Apparently, we have it pretty good here.

Fish for lunch, but I was able to get chicken fingers cause of my ‘allergy’.  It seems that they have not yet called Ambrose.  He is on vacation for a few weeks so hopefully I will be out of here when he does get back.

Stew for supper, I’d like to say I’m allergic to that shit but I don’t think they would believe me.

There’s a guy in here from Pictou.  Apparently, he tried to shoot somebody in Cornwall at the apartment building where Wayne lives.  It turns out, he is a friend of Joe Smith, who I went to university (Saint Mary’s) years ago.  Small world (but I wouldn’t want to paint it).

The lawyer didn’t show up or return any of my calls today.  This is really starting to piss me off.  There is so much to be done and I have to discuss plans with her.  Now it will have to wait until at least Monday.

We have two guys from Summerside jail in here with us for the weekend.  Whenever they have a lot of weekenders (people serving their sentences on weekends, of course) in Summerside, they send some of the straight-timers here for the weekend.  It’s ok with me.  It makes it a bit more interesting in here if the new guys are alright; it helps the time go buy faster.

We played Risk all day long today.  Andre was getting kind of riled up by my Kamchatka terrorist strategy.  But I’m really enjoying stirring things up.

“Weiner” was on duty (guard) tonight.  I talked to him awhile at the gym.  I wanted to call Steven tonight but they wouldn’t let me call long distance on Friday night (these things I learn as go along).  Weiner called his wife and asked her to call my mother and explain this to her, which was kind of him, I thought.

All in all it was a peaceful day.  Friday the 13th went by without any major problems.

November 14 (Day 18)

The weekend is here again.  I slept in till noon.  Then I got up and took a shower.  It’s annoying that I have no control over the hot water.  I have to get somebody to tell the guard to turn the temperature up or down, and then it’s either too hot or too cold.  I can’t get it right. I’m not happy.  If I was in charge around here things would be different around here.  But I’m not in charge (acceptance – page 449 of the big book).

Hotdogs for lunch as I expected.  Meals are going to the schedule I’ve done up.  There are some gaps in the schedule but tonight I think it might be chicken burgers.’

We played two games of Risk this afternoon.  I won both.  I decided to use a slow careful strategy and it paid off.  World domination.  Infidels.

We had bologna for supper. Hmmmm  I wasn’t expecting that.  Just when I get it all figured out, I find that I may not have it figured out after all.

I called home after supper and spoke to Steven (asked him to save some Halloween candy for me) and my mother. She’s going to make calls to Freddie, Dr. Jones, and the lawyer.  That should help get things moving a bit faster.  She also said she’d be in to see me on Thursday.

All in all, not much happened today, but its one day less till I get outta here.

November 15 (Day 19)

Very quiet day today.  Spent most of the day playing Risk.  Frankie was supposed to come and see me but didn’t show up.

We had an AA meeting here tonight.  I found it kind of boring.  It would be better if we (max) could go to the same meeting as the rest of the inmates, but I’m not sure how much I miss going to meetings.  Guess I’ll find out when I got out.

Guess I don’t have much to say today … I am reading a book called “Cruel Doubt” by Joe McGinness.  It is a true crime book about a kid (heavily into dungeons and dragons … must have a look at that sometime) who has his stepfather murdered and his mother badly beaten.  It’s interesting so far.

Now, I will go to bed, hoping to hear from my lawyer and others tomorrow.

November 16 (Day 20)

It’s Monday again. Another week begins, and, I hope this week brings something good, some progress.

It’s really getting to be a pain in the arse going to breakfast. They wake me up and yell, “breakfast in five minutes”. I’d like to have time to wash my hair, brush my teeth, and have a smoke but every morning it’s a rush to the kitchen for soggy toast.

I finally got to speak with Brenda P. [lawyer] today. She really hasn’t done anything and doesn’t seem to know what to do. I have the feeling that she has not put much time in on my case. I asked her to call Freddy and to call Dr. Jones again to see if they can help out. Surely they would help me out if she would ask them to. I just hope everything isn’t left to the last minute and we don’t go to court unprepared. That’s my biggest fear at the moment.

Meals today are the same as they were on Monday two weeks ago. They suck.

I called Freddy this evening and got through finally. I asked him if he can help me set up a plan to stay straight on the outside (anything that looks good to the judge!). He told me he would come out and talk to me on Thursday. I also asked him if he could get in touch with Dr. Jones to see if she would approve any plan which he setup. Now I sit and wait, hoping for the best. My biggest problem will be the prosecutor – asshole is the word I would use to describe him. It will give me great pleasure if he is unsuccessful in his efforts, again.

We played a few games of Risk today but Andre seems to be getting really upset when he loses. I think we may have to put this game away for a few days so that we can retain peace on our unit.

We got a new guy in tonight too, older fellow. He got 3 months for impaired driving. I’m seeing, since I came in here (and before) how closely addiction and criminal behavior are tied together. I think society’s approach to this problem is inappropriate. I think if more money were spent on treating addiction, we would have a lower crime rate. Interesting, as Doug would say. If I were in charge things would be different around here … but I’m not. Acceptance – page 449 of the big book.

November 17 (Day 21)

As I write this, some of the others are smoking something sort of … illegal. But I choose not to partake. It’s not as much that I’m trying to stay clean (or is it?) but hash is just not my drug of choice.

And while on the topic of drugs, I should mention the new guy in our unit, he is accused of armed robbery at the bus station Friday night. He plans to plead guilty on Thursday and expects to be sentenced to four years. He lives right beside the bus station. He went in with a knife and demanded money. He says that if the clerk had refused he would have slit his throat. This he did cause he needed (wanted) money to get coke. After the robbery, he went to a bar across the street where he was later apprehended. Four years just to get some cocaine. Insanity, I think. I’ve never been so desperate.

This guy was saying that he wouldn’t be afraid to rob a bank or fight someone twice his size. Since he’s been in jail he has yet to call his wife and has refused calls from her. The only thing he is scared of is talking to his wife.

No Risk played today. I guess you could say it was a risk free day. OK.

I used my one phone call to call Wayne but Wayne wasn’t in. Maybe he was at the meeting at Talbot House.

All in all, nothing mucking futch happened. Vinni, viddi, vicci.

November 18 (Day 22)

Today is, hopefully, the first day of my final week here. As I said, hopefully.

I woke up around five o’clock this morning and couldn’t get back to sleep. I have this reoccurring dream about a treatment centre. It’s not very interesting but it’s strange that it keeps coming back. It’s funny that usually I don’t remember my dreams but when I’m dreaming it’s all so familiar.

I was annoyed at [Janine] when I woke up too. I was going to write her a letter but I decided I won’t take my anger out on her, at this point. But I think it’s time to throw some of the guilt back her way. It’s not my fault alone that we are separated. And I’m not surprised that she hasn’t come to visit me on her own.

Speaking of visits, tomorrow I am expecting my mother, Freddy, and Wayne. And maybe even Brenda too, this should make the day go by quickly.

Sid is going to be sentenced tomorrow for the robbery. His lawyer, or whatever, worked out a deal for four years (the prosecutor would ask for eight to ten if it went to trial). Sid seems to have accepted that he is going to prison. He has been sober for two years, started using coke last week, and tomorrow he goes to prison. I think there’s a message in that.

November 19 (Day 23)

Today is Thursday and, hopefully, it will be my last Thursday here. I remain optimistic.

I was expecting a visit from Wayne today but I am unable to put his name on the visitors list until tomorrow because my case worker, Lorrie, is not here today and apparently no one but him can change the list for me. Why does such a simple thing have to be so complicated? If I was in charge things would be different around here.

I’ve been told that Freddie will be here to see me at four o’clock. Also, my mother is supposed to come here too. I am not confident that Brenda will show up.

Sid is gone to court, where he will be sentenced to four years. His situation really makes me think about how powerful drugs are and how severe the consequences can be. One week ago he was sitting home in his living room watching t.v. and today he is being sentenced to four years in prison. It’s a real eye opener, as Andre said.

… well we had chicken breasts for supper which was better than usual.

My mother came to visit. She’s kind of worried that I might have to stay here cause they’ll have no where to put me since I am supposed to be, technically, in Talbot House for 12 months. She doesn’t think they’ll let me live on my own but I hope she is wrong.

Freddie was also here to visit me. He says he’ll write a letter to the court saying I’ve behaved myself most of the time but he says that he can only state facts. I was hoping that he could give a statement saying I was doing well and they had planned to release me soon. I just hope that Dr. Jones can add something positive. I am really glad that Freddy is supportive and will still work with me. I’m really a good guy, but nobody understands me. Poor me.

November 20 (Day 24)

 Just another day here. They seem to be getting longer and longer. I gotta get outta this place.

Brenda was at the jail this morning but she only spoke with Andre and then left. It seems that my case is not one of her priorities. I called twice this afternoon and she didn’t return the calls. Our Legal Aid system here is inadequate. They get paid the same rate whether they win or lose (well I suppose most lawyers do). But what I mean is that they just want to take a case and get it dealt with as quickly as possible, so it doesn’t seem to matter whether the case one or lost. It’s easier for them if the client pleads guilty. Then they can move on to the next one.

I’m having trouble sleeping here. For the last week or so I’ve been awake for half the night. I’ve asked for something for anxiety but they won’t give it to me. The health care here is … not great. Although Jennifer is working tonight and it’s always nice to see her. Jennifer and I would make cute babies.

I tried to call Wayne today but he wasn’t home. I was going to ask him to visit me on Sunday. Perhaps he will call anyway and see if he is on my visitors list.

All of here are getting along well, playing Risk and other games. This helps to pass the time. I think I will keep in touch with them all when I get out.

I can’t get to watch South Park tonight. This is rather disappointing to me. I miss staying up with Steven to watch South Park. Hopefully, next week we will be able to do so. Hopefully, everything will turn out ok. I remain optimistic. If I have no hope what have I got?

November 21 (Day 25)

It’s Saturday, the weekends here and it’s going by fast. I slept all day. Got up at 4:30 for supper (I thought it was five thirty when I got up. I was kinda disappointed). This should be my last Saturday in this place if things go well on Wednesday in court. No plans for today, nothing to do. Six more hours and it’s lockdown.

I talked to my mother, [Janine], and Steven on the phone tonight. They are not at all confident that I’ll be able to live on my own if I am released but I have no other option because I can’t go back to Talbot House. Souris is a possible option but I don’t know if I could handle that. I feel a need to regain my independence. Its’ been ten months now since this all began and I really wish it would end.

I asked my mother to call Wayne N. and tell him he’s on my visitors list for tomorrow. I hope he can make it out to see me. I also asked her to call Pat (Dr. Jones’s friend) and find out what she has to say about me getting treatment as an outpatient.

November 22 (Day 26)

sunday, bloody, sunday. sabbath, bloody, sabbath. Optimistically, my final Sunday in custody. Time moves forward slowly towards my appearance in court where I hope to be able to make the judge see what a nice guy I really am and win my freedom.

Can’t say that I got a whole lot done today. Of course I didn’t have a whole lot to do anyway so every things ok.

I did a lot of crossword puzzles (Moe had a book of them hidden in his nest). I might be getting addicted to these things.

I went to the AA meeting tonight. It was getting pretty dull and then the guard came in and told me that I had a visitor. Wayne came out to see me. (Jodi was also in the visitors room talking to George). So Wayne stayed about an hour and talked to me. We made plans to meet at Grabba Jabba (we think that the Grabba Jabba girls must be missing us badly) on Wednesday after court, that is, after I get released. Freedom (although still limited). Wayne’s a good lad and I’m glad he came out. We’re hoping to go to Europe together if we can somehow get the money together. That would be mucho fun indeed.

Alls well in our unit here. All the guys are in good humor. We make a good group: Andre, Doug, Moe and I. If nothing else I’ve met some interesting people in here. I’ll probably miss these fellas when I leave this place.

November 23 (Day 27)

Today I’m preparing for my appearance in court. I’ve written some draft copies of a speech to the judge. Tomorrow I will sort through them and combine the best passages. Words are powerful things. They can be combined in so many different ways to elicit whatever feeling you desire in audience: anger, pity, understanding, humor, etc. I will arrange my words so as to make the judge see things my way hopefully.

I just had a conversation with one of the guys on how to get fake identification. Interestingly, this information would have been useful to me earlier in my life when I was a criminal. Now I’m just a good guy, mildly criminal. No outlaw me.

Everybody here seems to think I will be set loose on Wednesday and I hope their feelings are correct. Me would likee that. It would be such a waste of my life to spend a year in here. I do have something to offer society. I am rehabilitated ok.

I called home tonight and spoke to my father. He didn’t have a whole lot of negative things to say which was new for a change. But he was talking to Pat, who told him that Dr. Jones, apparently, is not going to get involved. That’s disappointing. I guess I’m on my own. These are my circumstances and I must accept them, even if it means I have to spend a year in this dump. But I really hope that doesn’t happen.

So anyway now I go to bed and tomorrow I wake up to what should be my last day here. Assuming all goes well. Hmmm.

Draft letter and passages to the court:

Attention is focused on mistakes I made rather than progress I’ve made. Yes, I did use drugs on 2 occasions in the past 10 months but there are also 300 other days when I didn’t use drugs. It’s those 300 days that I will draw inspiration from to continue a sober lifestyle. This is the longest period of sobriety I’ve had in the past 20 years and I am determined to continue on this path.

I don’t expect to be excused for my action but I hope I can be judged for what I’ve done right as well as, of course, for what I’ve done wrong. I am aware that my behavior has had consequences not only for myself but also for those around me, especially my family.

    … I’ve been using drugs for 20 years and I never expected to be cured in …

    … I now realize that what I did was wrong and I see that it could (easily) have been prevented.

Learn a new way of living

I’ve made (I have) many friends through treatment and I have a good relationship with addiction services. This is what will help me to remain sober.

I have had some difficulties in treatment. I feel that this is due to the fact that I’ve been ordered to seek treatment and so my motivation is always in question, unfortunately. But I firmly believe that my intentions are good.

November 24 (Day 28)

I really fucking hope that this is my last day here. It’s not that things are that bad in here but there’s so much I could be doing on the outside.

Leonard came out to see me today, unexpectedly. He suggested that I use my parents house as an address to present to the court and use the services of Souris Detox. I didn’t really want to go to Souris (or not be sentenced to live there) but it seems to be the most feasible option at this point. From there I could work on getting back to Charlottetown or even farther. Leonard is a wise man and always seems to have something useful to say. It’s funny how he showed up today with a solution. He also helped me figure out what to say before I went to court in May. Everything happens for a reason, as Leonard would say.

Brenda finally called this afternoon. I was going to rake her about not putting enough time into this but what good would that do me now. She actually has things worked out well, although she is going to have another lawyer represent me since she has another trial in Souris. She talked to Freddie and he had a lot of good things to say (thanks Freddie). He didn’t give her a letter for the judge as I had hoped but what he told her was all good.

She also got a call from Martin Dorrell. I was very pleased to hear that. I had been a bit embarrassed about the letter I sent him cuz I thought it might have sounded like I was begging. But it all went well.

Today everything just seemed to fall into place.

Draft letter to the court:

Your honor, when I stood before you in June of this year, it was for an offence involving the sale of drugs. I have not returned to this activity and I have no intention of ever doing so.

The reason I am here today is that I have had a slip, a momentary lapse of reason. I took a pill which was not prescribed to me. I realize that I was wrong to do so and that it could have been prevented, unfortunately, that did not happen. I was aware that there would be consequences to such behavior, but at that moment none of that mattered. I was able to justify in my own mind, the need for that pill, despite all the negative consequences for myself and my family. This shows me how powerful this disease is. I will have to be on guard against it for the rest of my life.

I have had some problems in treatment but I believe that my intentions are good, even though sometimes my behavior indicated otherwise. I have been using drugs for 20 years and adjusting to life without them has been difficult for me. I have been in treatment for 10 months now and I have used drugs on 2 occasions. But there have also been about 300 days where I did not use. This is the longest period of sobriety I’ve ever had in my life and it is those 300 days that draw inspiration from to continue this new way of life. I am not yet and never will be cured but I feel that I am making progress.

I take responsibility for my actions. I do not expect to be excused for what I’ve done. I hope that I can be judged for what I’ve done right as well, of course, for what I’ve done wrong.

With the support of my family, addiction services, and hopefully the court, I will continue to progress in living a life without drugs.