Discovering that someone in your family may be involved in criminal activity can leave you unsure of what you are seeing, what questions to ask and when you should involve someone else.

In Reggie’s case, our family encountered warning signs at different stages of his life. Years before drug dealing became part of the story, there were thefts. Later there were drugs, unexplained money, unfamiliar people and increasingly serious consequences.

Different members of our family sometimes knew different things. Looking back, that is one of the most important lessons.

This page isn’t intended to turn family members into detectives. It is about recognizing when things aren’t adding up, asking questions, sharing what you know and understanding when keeping someone’s behaviour secret may no longer be protecting them.

One Sign Does Not Prove Drug Dealing

People change friends. They become more private. They earn money. They buy new things. Their schedules change, and even close family members do not always know everyone in their social circle.

None of those things alone establishes that someone is involved in selling drugs.

The situation becomes more concerning when several unexplained changes begin occurring together.

For example, a new group of friends means very little by itself.

A new group of friends combined with unexplained cash, drugs or drug paraphernalia, numerous unfamiliar visitors, secretive phone activity and sudden unexplained absences deserves more attention.

Look for patterns rather than proof.

Unexplained Money and Possessions

One of the things a family member may notice is money that doesn’t seem to have an obvious source.

That might include unusually large amounts of cash, money appearing despite having little or no legitimate income, or suddenly being able to afford clothing, electronics, entertainment or other purchases that previously would have been beyond their means.

The opposite can occur as well: someone may repeatedly need money despite apparently having income.

Money alone proves nothing. Someone may have a job, save money, receive gifts or earn money in ways other family members simply don’t know about.

The question is whether the money makes sense.

A simple question can sometimes be more useful than an accusation:

“That’s a lot of money. Where did it come from?”

Unfamiliar People Coming and Going

A noticeable change in who is visiting your home may be worth paying attention to.

This can include an unusual number of people you have never met before, people arriving only briefly, frequent visitors at unusual times, or people who do not appear to have an obvious friendship, work, school or social connection with your family member.

The visitors may be quite different from one another, with no apparent reason they would normally belong to the same social circle.

Again, unfamiliar visitors do not prove anything. People meet new people, change jobs, develop new interests and expand their social circles.

What matters is the pattern and the context.

There can be a meaningful difference between several friends arriving to spend an evening together and a continuing stream of different people appearing briefly and then leaving.

Sometimes the warning sign isn’t who your family member is spending time with. It’s wondering why people who don’t seem to know them very well keep showing up to see them.

If this begins happening alongside unexplained money, drugs, unusual phone activity, secrecy or other significant changes, there may be greater reason for concern.

When Someone You Don’t Know Comes Looking for a Family Member

There is another situation a family may encounter: an unfamiliar person arrives specifically asking to see someone in your household.

You do not have to simply let that person into your home or send your family member outside without knowing who they are.

It is reasonable to ask ordinary questions:

Who are you?

How do you know them?

What do you want to see them about?

You do not need to interrogate the visitor or accuse them of anything. You are simply trying to understand who has arrived at your home and why they are asking for a member of your family.

Pay attention to whether the explanation makes sense.

Someone with an ordinary reason for being there may be able to explain quite easily who they are and why they have come.

Evasiveness, hostility, refusal to identify themselves or an explanation that does not make sense may give you additional reason for concern.

You are also entitled to tell someone to leave your property.

But there is an important limit.

If the situation feels threatening, do not escalate a confrontation simply to obtain answers. Keep yourself and other members of the family safe. If necessary, go inside, secure the home and contact police or emergency services.

Something Our Father Saw

This issue has particular meaning for our family.

Shortly before Reggie was kidnapped, my father witnessed a truck arrive at our family property with a couple of men looking for Reggie.

Our father confronted them and told them to get off the property.

By that point, Dad was aware that there were warning signs surrounding Reggie’s involvement in the drug world. He did not simply treat unfamiliar men arriving at his home looking for his son as ordinary visitors.

We cannot know from that encounter alone who those men were, exactly what they wanted, or whether their visit was connected with what happened later.

But the incident illustrates something families should understand:

You are allowed to ask who has come looking for a member of your family and why.

You do not need proof of criminal activity before asking basic questions about someone who has arrived at your home.

At the same time, if you already have reason to believe your family member is involved with drugs or people who may be dangerous, your priority should be safety rather than confrontation.

Ask reasonable questions when it is safe to do so. Establish boundaries on your property. Disengage and seek help when it isn’t.

Changes in Friends and Relationships

Families often become familiar with the people who are regularly part of one another’s lives.

A sudden change in someone’s social circle can therefore be noticeable.

The change itself isn’t evidence of drug involvement.

What may warrant attention is a larger pattern: old friends disappearing, reluctance to introduce new acquaintances, unusual secrecy about who someone is meeting, or relationships that seem to revolve primarily around brief meetings and unexplained activities.

A new friendship should never be treated as evidence of criminal activity simply because other members of the family don’t know the person.

Again, context matters.

Phones and Increased Secrecy

Heavy phone use is a normal part of modern life and is not evidence of drug dealing.

What may attract attention is a significant unexplained change in behaviour surrounding communications.

Someone who previously used a phone openly may suddenly become extremely guarded about it. There may be repeated communications followed immediately by brief departures from home, or an unusual amount of activity involving people the family does not recognize.

There can be many innocent explanations.

Family members should avoid trying to decode supposed drug terminology or interpreting every unfamiliar message as suspicious.

The useful observation is the change in behaviour and how it fits with everything else that is happening.

Drugs, Packaging and Scales

Finding an illegal drug or someone else’s prescription medication deserves attention regardless of whether there is evidence that it is being sold.

Other unfamiliar objects may raise questions as well.

These can include small scales, numerous small bags or containers, or other objects that appear alongside drugs or unexplained cash.

Many such objects have perfectly legitimate uses. A small digital scale, for example, is not proof of drug dealing.

Context matters.

A separate page in this archive, Drug Paraphernalia & Warning Signs, discusses objects that families may encounter and why they should not be interpreted in isolation.

This archive deliberately does not provide instructions about drug quantities, packaging, prices, concealment or distribution.

Drugs in Quantities That Don’t Make Sense

A family may discover drugs and initially assume they are solely for personal use.

The amount or circumstances may raise additional questions.

You do not need to determine precisely how much constitutes “personal use” or attempt to calculate what drugs might be worth.

Instead, the useful question is simpler:

Does what I am seeing make sense with the explanation I have been given?

If it doesn’t, that is something to discuss and, where appropriate, seek professional advice about.

Unexplained Trips and Absences

A sudden pattern of unexplained departures can also become part of the larger picture.

Someone may begin leaving home frequently for short periods, become vague about where they have been, or repeatedly change plans without an obvious explanation.

There can be many innocent explanations for these behaviours.

Again, the concern comes from multiple changes occurring together, rather than from any one trip away from home.

Changes at School or Work

Problems at school or work can accompany many difficulties in someone’s life.

A family may notice falling grades, missed classes, disciplinary problems, unexplained absences, losing a job, abandoning activities that were previously important, or major changes in motivation.

These changes can result from countless causes, including stress, mental-health difficulties, bullying, relationship problems and other circumstances. They should not automatically be attributed to drugs.

They can, however, indicate that something has changed and deserves attention.

Using Drugs and Selling Drugs Are Different Problems

A family may concentrate on whether someone is using drugs and overlook the possibility that the person has also become involved in the world surrounding their sale.

Those worlds can overlap, but they are not the same.

Someone may sell drugs without being addicted to them. Someone struggling with addiction may also begin selling drugs. And someone may move back and forth between using, buying and selling.

The risks associated with selling can also extend beyond the effects of the drugs themselves.

Drug dealing can expose someone to criminal charges and bring them into relationships and situations that can become dangerous.

It can also mean that stopping drug use does not automatically remove all of the risks associated with the people, obligations or circumstances that developed around the drug trade.

That distinction became important in Reggie’s story.

When Looking the Other Way Becomes Enabling

Families sometimes find themselves in an uncomfortable position. They know that something doesn’t seem right, but they don’t know exactly what is happening or what they should do about it.

Sometimes it is easier not to ask.

And sometimes one member of the family knows considerably more than another.

Our family had experienced this with Reggie years before drugs became the larger problem. In the months before he was arrested for stealing car stereos and related items, I remember my mother being puzzled by the amount of stereo and electronic equipment Reggie seemed to have. She wondered how he was able to afford it.

What my parents didn’t know was that my brother Art and I were already aware that Reggie was involved in thefts. We didn’t tell them. At the time, telling our parents would have felt like snitching on our brother.

Meanwhile, Reggie continued stealing until he was eventually caught.

Looking back, that experience taught me something about how families can miss what is happening even when some members of the family already know.

One person may see unexplained possessions. Another may know where they came from. Someone else may have witnessed something but doesn’t want to get involved. Brothers and sisters may protect one another. Everyone can be looking at a different part of the same problem.

That is why, when something doesn’t make sense, it can be worth talking privately with other members of the family and asking a direct question:

Do you know something about this that I don’t? I need an honest answer.

That doesn’t mean interrogating everyone in the family or treating suspicion as proof. But if you are genuinely concerned about someone’s behaviour, don’t assume that everyone else knows only what you know. Someone may have information they have been reluctant to share.

The same problem can arise when drugs or drug dealing enter a family.

Unexplained money may begin appearing. Someone may suddenly start paying bills, buying groceries, giving expensive gifts or contributing money without a reasonable explanation. Different family members may know different things about where that money is coming from.

There is an important difference between suspecting something is wrong and knowing what is happening and choosing to look the other way.

If you know that money or other benefits are coming from drug dealing, continuing to accept those benefits without challenging the behaviour can help normalize what is happening. It may also remove one source of pressure to change, particularly if the household gradually becomes dependent upon the money.

There is also an important difference between being unable to control another person’s behaviour and allowing behaviour you know is wrong to become accepted because confronting it is difficult.

You may not be able to make someone stop stealing, using drugs or selling drugs. Ultimately, those decisions belong to them. But where it is safe to do so, you can make clear that you do not accept the behaviour. You can refuse to help conceal it, refuse to participate in it and refuse to allow yourself to become dependent upon its proceeds.

The larger lesson extends well beyond drugs:

Families don’t always know what other members of the family know. When something isn’t adding up, ask questions—and make it clear that you want an honest answer, even if the answer is something you would rather not hear.

Sometimes Telling Someone Isn’t Snitching

When I was younger, I knew about many of Reggie’s illicit activities. I didn’t tell our parents what he was doing.

I don’t remember our parents ever directly asking me what I knew. They may have, but I simply don’t recall. What I do remember is that I never volunteered much of what I knew.

At the time, telling our parents would have felt like snitching on my brother.

That didn’t mean I approved of what Reggie was doing. I warned him many times. But Reggie was confident in what he was doing. He believed he was smarter than the police and wasn’t going to get caught. My warnings were generally dismissed.

I also remember being approached on one occasion by Bob Payne, a local constable who was well respected in our community. He spoke to me about what was going on with Reggie and asked me to talk some sense into him and try to get things straightened out.

I did.

I told Reggie about my encounter with Constable Payne and spoke to him about what he was doing. It didn’t change his behaviour.

Looking back, there is an important distinction I didn’t fully appreciate when I was younger:

Trying to protect someone from the consequences of their behaviour is not necessarily the same thing as protecting them.

There are circumstances in which telling a parent, spouse, another responsible family member, counsellor, doctor, teacher, police officer or another person who may be able to help is not an act of betrayal. It may be one of the few things you can do when someone you care about is heading toward increasingly serious consequences.

This becomes especially important when there is a risk of violence, overdose, exploitation, impaired driving, weapons, threats or other immediate danger. Family loyalty should never require keeping a secret that puts someone in serious danger.

It is also worth remembering that different members of a family may know different things. A parent may only know that something doesn’t seem right. A brother or sister may know considerably more. Someone else may have witnessed something but be afraid of becoming involved.

If you are worried about a family member, ask questions. And if someone asks you what you know, give them an honest answer—even if answering feels like snitching.

I can’t know whether telling my parents everything I knew about Reggie would have changed anything. In fact, my own conversations with Reggie didn’t stop him. There is no reason to rewrite history and pretend that one conversation would necessarily have changed the direction his life was taking.

But I do know something now that I didn’t understand as clearly then:

Keeping someone’s dangerous behaviour secret isn’t always protecting them. Sometimes the more loyal thing to do is tell someone who may be able to help.

When Several Signs Appear Together

A family might reasonably dismiss any one of these things:

a new friend;

some extra cash;

a small scale;

an unfamiliar visitor;

a sudden trip out;

a change in phone habits;

problems at school or work;

or increased secrecy.

The picture can look very different when many of them begin happening at the same time.

You still may not know exactly what is happening.

And you don’t need to.

You do not have to prove that a family member is selling drugs before deciding that something is wrong and asking for help.

What Not to Do

Fear can make family members want immediate answers.

But a confrontation made in anger or panic can make an already difficult situation worse.

Try not to begin with an accusation based on something you cannot establish.

Avoid turning every friend into a suspect.

Do not experiment with unknown drugs in an attempt to identify them.

Do not taste or closely smell unknown powders or substances.

Do not put yourself in danger trying to investigate people whom you believe may be involved in criminal activity.

And if unfamiliar people arrive at your home and their behaviour makes you feel threatened, do not escalate the situation simply because you want answers.

The objective is not to build a criminal case against someone you love.

The objective is to understand what is happening and help keep your family safe.

Start With What You Actually Know

When you speak with your family member, separate what you observed from what you suspect.

Instead of:

“I know you’re selling drugs.”

you may actually know:

“People I don’t recognize have been coming to the house for very short visits. You’ve suddenly had a lot of cash, and I found a scale in your room. I’m worried, and I need to understand what’s going on.”

That distinction matters.

It gives the person something concrete to respond to rather than beginning the conversation with a conclusion they can simply deny.

Listen to the Answer

Asking the question is only half of the conversation.

Listen to the explanation.

Some of the things worrying you may have perfectly reasonable answers.

Others may not.

Try to determine what you actually know, what your family member is telling you, and what remains unexplained.

The first conversation does not have to resolve everything.

The objective should be to open a conversation rather than win an argument.

When Safety Is a Concern

There are circumstances in which this becomes more than a difficult family conversation.

If you believe your family member or anyone else in the household is in immediate physical danger, has been threatened, has become violent, has access to weapons, has overdosed, or there is another immediate emergency, seek emergency assistance.

If unfamiliar people connected with drugs are coming to your home and you feel unsafe, do not put yourself at risk by confronting them or trying to investigate them yourself.

If someone comes to your home asking for a family member and refuses to explain who they are or why they are there, you do not have to continue the conversation or allow them onto your property.

If their behaviour makes you feel threatened, prioritize your family’s safety and seek police assistance rather than attempting to investigate the situation yourself.

Professional advice may be necessary even before you know exactly what is happening.

Your Family Member May Need Help Even if They Aren’t Addicted

A person involved in selling drugs may also be using drugs or living with addiction.

But not necessarily.

That distinction matters because addiction treatment alone may not address everything that is happening.

There may also be mental-health concerns, school or work problems, financial pressures, coercion, threats, criminal-justice issues or dangerous relationships.

The first task may therefore be getting informed professional advice rather than deciding for yourself exactly which problem your family member has.

Get Help Before the Situation Becomes a Crisis

You don’t need absolute proof before asking someone for advice.

A family doctor, addiction professional, counsellor, school counsellor or other appropriate professional may help you think through what you are observing and what to do next.

The companion page How to Get Help provides information about finding professional assistance and starting that process.

If the problem turns out not to be drug dealing, asking for help was not wasted effort.

Something caused you to become concerned.

Understanding what that something is still matters.

What Our Family Learned from Reggie

This page exists because families don’t experience drug problems as neat categories.

While they are happening, family members may see fragments.

Money that doesn’t make sense.

People they don’t recognize.

Objects they don’t understand.

Changes in behaviour.

Stories that don’t quite add up.

Our family experienced some of that confusion with Reggie.

Looking backward, it can be much easier to understand what individual events meant than it was while we were living through them.

There were also moments when our parents recognized that something was wrong even though they could not possibly know everything that was happening.

The arrival of unfamiliar men looking for Reggie shortly before his kidnapping was one of those moments.

Our father didn’t know everything behind that visit. But he understood enough to know that unfamiliar men arriving on his property looking for his son warranted his attention.

Reggie’s story also taught us that using drugs and becoming involved in the drug trade are not the same problem.

Addiction was one part of his life.

The world that developed around drugs was another.

That world could involve money, criminal activity, dangerous relationships and consequences extending well beyond whether Reggie happened to be using a particular drug on a particular day.

This page isn’t here to tell a family that a scale, some cash, an unfamiliar visitor or a secretive phone call means someone they love is selling drugs.

It is here because sometimes a family sees several things that don’t make sense, but doesn’t yet understand what those things mean.

You don’t have to solve the mystery by yourself.

You don’t have to become a drug expert.

And you don’t have to wait until you can prove exactly what is happening before you ask for help.

Sometimes the most important first step is simply recognizing:

Something has changed. I don’t understand it yet. But I need to find out what is happening before it gets worse.

Related Resources

Drug Paraphernalia & Warning Signs
Learn about objects and behavioural changes that families may encounter and why individual signs should be considered in context.

What the Drugs Look Like
See verified examples of drugs discussed in Reggie’s story and learn why appearance alone cannot reliably identify an unknown substance.

How to Get Help
Information about starting a conversation, seeking professional advice, obtaining an assessment and finding treatment and support.