December 3 (Day 37)

I’m really getting sick of this place – feeling kind of alone and isolated today – feelings of despair.  How do I get myself into places like this and when will it all end?  No visitors again today as is usually the case.  I haven’t called anybody all week but why bother?  What can they do for me?  I did receive some money from my mother today so at least somebody is thinking of me.  We get forgotten quickly in places like this.  Such is life.

I spoke with [Supervisor] about my parole eligibility date.  He thinks it will be in February, but he also said that it takes about four months to get all the paperwork done so I may be here till March or April.  At least I will miss winter, but this really isn’t the answer.

I didn’t get moved to medium yet, but Jerry was sent to minimum.  I’m happy about that cause he was really getting on my nerves, always complaining that I’m messy, and I sleep too much and turn up the tv too loud.  I thought we might get into a fight this morning when he tried to tell me I had to clean up the unit.  I’m not in jail for doing what I was told.

I couldn’t get any sleep last night, for the second night in a row so that’s made me a bit cranky today.

They tried to feed me liver for supper today.  I’ll never eat that fucking garbage; I’d rather chew off my arm.  A lot of us didn’t eat it.  You would think the staff would notice that and not serve it anymore, but … I don’t get it.

Well, it looks like I will be staying up all night reading.  I am about to start “City of Joy”; it’s supposed to be a good story.  I have the book and I can’t sleep so I might as well find out.

December 4 (Day 38)

Another kinda fucked up day.  I was awake till 6 am again last night so I slept most of the day.  Looks like I’ll be up all night again.  “City of Joy” is a pretty good book so I’ve got something to do at least until they turn my light off.  I’ve read “The Pope of Greenwich Village” a couple nights ago and really enjoyed it – I finished it in one day.

Today I got my parole papers finished and they were sent in, or at least they were supposed to be.  Now the long wait begins.  I think I’ll call the parole office on Monday and see how long they expect it to be.  Anyway, it looks like I won’t be going skiing this winter.  I might not even touch the snow.

I got a message to call home tonight.  I’m not allowed to call long distance from here on Friday night.  But I don’t know if I would have called even if I was.  I don’t know if they have anything good to say.  I really don’t want to hear my father say, “I told you this would happen.  What are you going to do now?”  Fuck that.  I think I’ll just wait till Sunday and see if anybody shows up.  I kinda hope [my wife] comes and they don’t let her in cause I took her off my visitor list.  But I’m not expecting her.  She’ll probably never even find out she’s not on the list.  She’s all fucked up anyway.  It’s not all my fault I’m in this mess.  Although, morally it is, I suppose.  But I can’t say she’s given me much support since it all began.  I’ll have to ask my mother if she can take [Valerie] in to see me.  Surely (?), I would be allowed an open visit for that.

December 5 (Day 39)

Another night without sleep last night.  I was awake till seven o’clock.  I heard some girls screaming and guards yelling last night.  I wonder what that was all about.  I lied awake all night thinking.  I was really pissed off about how [my wife] has acted towards me in the last ten months.  I don’t know what I’ll say to her the next time I see her.  Maybe I’ll talk to my mother about it if she comes in tomorrow.

I was going through my plans for what I’m going to do when I get out.  The latest idea, and perhaps best so far, is that I get sent to a treatment centre or halfway house in Ontario, either in Hamilton, Waterloo, or Toronto.  I would like to be in a smaller city than Toronto but not too far from the airport.  I might be able to arrange a job there through Ann, I should send her a letter.  If I was able to work there, I could take the technical writing course part time. That would work out pretty well, I think.  But somehow, I will have to spend some time with Steven and [Valerie] and get some things done with my cars before I go.  It might be best if I spent a couple of months in Talbot House first, probably as long as I am on day parole.

The way I was feeling last night I would have taken a valium or Seconal if I had one.  That kind of scares me because if I was home, I could easily get dependent upon them again.  And that’s not a good thing.  This is the first time since last winter that I’ve had these long sleepless nights and I’m not sure that I’m able to handle them.

I had decided last night that I was going to write some letters today to Ann, Sylvia (bitch), and Martin but it didn’t get done.  Perhaps tomorrow I can find some motivation to do so.  Perhaps.  I didn’t take a nap today so I should be able to sleep tonight.

December 6 (Day 40)

I got to sleep around four o’clock last night which is better than usual lately.  I hope I can get into a more normal routine next week.

I’m kinda disappointed that nobody came to visit me today.  I was expecting Wayne and my mother to come.  Maybe I should give them a call and see what’s up.  We get forgotten quickly when we’re in these places.  I’ve been pretty much out of circulation all year.  On second thought, I would say I’ve been out of circulation for years in a prison of my own making.  It’s funny that tonight I would get into something I haven’t done in so many years.  It wasn’t as bad as I expected but I have no desire to do it again.  I only hope that I don’t have to give a urine sample when I go to the nurse tomorrow.  I really wish I could get things together so that I would never have to fear a urine test again.  I know I’m making progress, but I don’t know if I will ever win.  Plus ca la meme chose – the more things change, the more they stay the same.