May 25

More bad news.  [xxx] now says he threw out my stuff.  I just lost 3 or 4 grand.  But I’ve been expecting this.  I don’t know if he used it himself or not but if he didn’t it was stupid to throw it away without telling me.  I can’t believe this is happening. 

I just figured out what the worst thing about being in jail is – it’s not the time you spend here; it’s the way everybody wants to fuck you over on the outside.  Nobody wants to do you a favor or visit.

You realize how few friends you have (even friends seem out to harm you).  I see now, unfortunately, that I can neither depend on or trust anyone.  Same thing with the parole board – they’re out to fuck me around. And [Supervisor] and Verna and [Counselor].  …  Everybody except my parents and the kids.  I would trust some of the guys in here now more than anybody I know outside. 

I don’t think I want anything to do with Souris when I get out of here and never come back.  It seems like everyone is conspiring to make sure I don’t have a penny when I get out of here. 

I can’t get any explanation from the parole board.  I’m sure [Supervisor] won’t let me take the program in advance.  The only person who genuinely wants to help is Anne.  I look forward to speaking with her and to Jennifer, when or if she comes back. 

I think I should spend more time with females when I get out.  They are nicer to me.  And they find me adorable too.

May 26

This is the real [holiday].  It’s [my daughters] second birthday.  Again I miss out.  When she was born I was in Detox and I was also there on her first birthday.  And next year I probably won’t be around either. 

I was really pissed off tonight when I called [my wife] and she wouldn’t accept my call.  Why would she do such a thing on [my daughters] birthday?  She just keeps doing one thing after another to piss me off and it’s all so unnecessary.  I didn’t want to call home and I couldn’t get an answer at Anne’s.  I think she’s the only friend that I have outside of this place …

I pleaded with [Supervisor] today to let me take the program in June.  I’m doubtful that he’ll do anything for me but he said he’ll call the Detox and Brian S. tomorrow so I’m hanging on to a thin shread of hope.  But I’m ready and expecting to be turned down again.  This whole thing is so stupid.  I don’t think anybody wants to see me do well.  I just feel like giving up.  I don’t know what else I can do …

Larry got put in our unit today, that’s about the only good thing that’s happened this week.  He brought some duMaurier cigarettes in with him, which is a real treat for me. Besides beer, drugs, pizza and women, that’s what I’ve missed the most.

… my mother is coming in tomorrow.  I hope I have some sort of good news to give her.  After I see her, I think I’ll cut back on my contact with Souris.  Everything I hear from there lately seems to get me stressed out.  Perhaps it’s better just to forget about the outside world and just focus on getting through my days here.

May 27

My mother was in to visit today.  It seems that it was [my wife]’s mother who wouldn’t accept the call and she says [my wife] feels bad about it, so I will call on Saturday.  [xxx], it seems, is being an asshole.  I don’t expect that I will ever recover that debt. 

I got an acceptance letter from Holland College in the mail.  It’s too bad that it wasn’t mentioned in my parole application.  Brian S. is out today so it’s probably too late to do anything with it.  We faxed it to Moncton anyway.  [Supervisor] didn’t give me an answer about the program.  I’m expecting to be turned down.  If so, I will have to really consider whether or not parole is worth taking.  If I can’t be out till the end of August, I may be just as well off to stay till my sentence is up in December.

… I was talking to Jimmy today and we might be able to set something up after I get out but that might prevent me from going to Toronto.  I’m getting confused about this … Chris is leaving tomorrow. He is a good guy.  I will get his number and maybe I can contact him when I’m out.  I’ve made some good connections in here. 

Rueben and David got into a fight this evening.  They are both gone to lockup and I’m glad because I am tired of listening to them.  And I will get a chance to discuss business with Jimmy now that they are gone …

We got the Risk game out this evening and had a couple of games which were a lot of fun.  The day seemed to go by fast.  I’m feeling better about things lately.  I’m glad to have made a lot of friends in here.  It won’t be so bad if I have to finish my sentence here.  It looks like I will get an opportunity to make some money when I get out.  Things are not great but they could always be worse.

May 28

Well [Supervisor] fucked everything up today, as expected.  I’m not allowed to take the program in June because my release date is in January, even though it is obviously a good choice to do so.  This place is so fucked up. They’re so caught up in rules and regulations that they can’t even be human.  But there’s not much I can do about it.  Bastards.  Infidels.

At least things are alright in our unit.  We’re making plans to get a brew going and get drunk … I got to talk to Jimmy today.  It looks like we can help each other out and both make some good money after we get out.  I hadn’t planned to go back to dealing but if the system is not willing to help me then I’m prepared to do things my own way.  Fuck ‘em.  I may change my mind by the time July 12 comes around, but that’s how I’m feeling now.

It’s taken me so long to get parole that its not worthwhile to me anymore, I think.  I know that this will hurt my relationship with my family, but I’ve done all I can to deal with my drug problem and it still isn’t enough.  It looks like I’ll be spending six more months in here.  I’ll have quite a story to tell when this is all over, whenever that is …

Chris left today for St. John.  I kinda liked having him around.  I have his phone number so I may call him and stop in on my way to Toronto whenever that will be … I got hold of three Toronto Suns today.  This was really a treat for me.  I’m trying to ration them so I will have something to read all weekend.

May 29

Time seems to be going by well with Larry here.  I didn’t even get around to taking a nap.  That will help me to sleep better tonight and tomorrow morning …

Dave and Rueben are back so I have to be careful again about talking to Jimmy.  But we’ve made some plans and if we both get out this fall there should be a lot of money coming in and my old debts will be wiped out.  That gives me something to look forward to.  He has a Toyota Supra which I’m interested in too if things work out.  I’m glad that we met here …

I called [my wife] tonight and had a pleasant conversation and talked to [Valerie] for a second.  I will miss seeing her this summer and [my son] will be disappointed as well.  But that is out of my control …

Although I want to go to Toronto, I’d also like to stay in Charlottetown for a while because I’ve met so many people in here that I’ve never hung around with before and I’ve made many connections where I can make some money.  If I can work at the right level I think I could do fine …  I found out from [my wife] that my gold bracelet is indeed gone.  Looks like John stole it.  I’m pissed off about that, but not surprised.  The world is full of thieves and bastards.

May 30

Well, what happened today?  I cleaned my toilet.  It was starting to stink cause sometimes up I get up in the middle of the night to piss and I miss the toilet cause its dark in here …

Jason took a seizure out in the bullpen this afternoon.  He was banging his head on the pavement and cut himself up, bit his tongue too.  It was kind of scary to watch.  Hope he’s ok … Larry and I are trying to see how much of a mess we can make in the unit before they do something about it.  It’s coming along well.  Larry has a piece of bologna stuck to the wall by the clock.  I enjoy doing time with him so I’ll probably stay in max for a while yet.  I’ve got lots of time.

May 31

Another month gone by.  That makes seven.  How many more? … It should be busy around here tomorrow.

The crack house got raided tonight so we’ll be getting some new guys in tomorrow.  It will be interesting to see what comes out of this. But I hope Jimmy doesn’t get any more charges.  I expect that Rueben will be charged with conspiracy, at least … Larry got all his wisdom teeth out today.  Obviously he’s in pain.  But he might be able to do something for us if things work out with the doctor …

I think Dave is getting out tomorrow.  I’ve asked him to do me a favor.  I hope it works out cause I will be a thousand bucks richer … so tomorrow begins another month …